shrek was siting alone in his swamp one evening eating a very fancy diner of lightly toaseted rat on a stick- his favourite. the rat was delicious, but he hungered for something more. he didnt hunger for food- he hungered for love. he picked up his new iphone x and dialed a number.
"big jim's booty bungalow, what can i do you for?" a deep, husky voice answered. shrek was so used to callig this number that his thicc, green joystick was conditioned to get hard when he herd big jim's voice.
"hey jim. i need a lady," sherk answered. he whispered like he was commitiing a crime, even though he was the only one around for miles. he knew, however, that jesus was always watching, so he was sure to keep his voice down.
"sure thing, shrik. we got a new girl,ill send her over right away."
shrak hung up and quickly cleaned his humble abode in anticipation of his...... special guest. just a few minutes later, there was a seductive knock on his door. he opened it and saw the most gorjeous, tall, blonde woman he had ever laid his eyes on. she wore a skimpy pink dress, heels, and a bedazzled 'R' necklace.
she held out her dainty hand. "hi. i'm regina george," she smiled, biting her lip.
"im...,, i'm.,,,...,," shrok was at a loss for words!
regina delicate;y placed a finger to sherk's lips. "i know who u are," she whispered, staring deep into his brown orbs. "but you dont need to worry about your name; the only name youll be saying tonite is mine."
shank led her over to his bed. his sheets were made of burlap sacks, as the economy wasnt too great and he also lived in the middle of a swamp. target supercenters are hard to come by (lol) in swamps. but regina didnt mind; she had had a rough childhood. she had been raised in a multi-million doller mansion in like wisconsin or some shit, and always had money for whatever she wanted. it wuld seem her and shrek were polar opposites, but 2nite, these opposites would....... attract.
regina slipped off her dress to reveal pink longeray underneath. she sprawled across shrink's bed, her booty poppin like confetti. shark couldnt contain his raging erection any longer- it sprang from his ugly, outdated trousers (again, no tarjay supercenters) and he ripped of the rest of his clothing liek the incredible hulk.
regina's eyes widened when she saw the massive, green dong right in front of her. but she was okay wit this, she liked a challenge. she grabbed his dongle like a spider monkey would grab a banana, and helped sark put it up her bodacious booty.........
and shriek came immediately, not even 2 seconds into hot buttsecks. he was an ogre, but was also a typical man- unsatisfying. regina turned over and looked at sank. "that was quick."
shiz just shrugged and shoved his slightly smaller, sad dingle back into his even sadder pants. "it's just that..,,, regina.. i have neve seen a woman as beautiful as you!!" he admitted, falling to his knees in defeat.
regina gasped, clutching her neclace. "sh... shrek..." tears welled in her sapphire orbs. "ive never felt this way about a customer before... BUT I CANT." she turned her face away dramatically.
stank felt a dagger pierce his large, green heart. "BUT REGINA! WHY?????"
she let out a sob. "my husband..., rest his soul......,,.. he always said he would haunt me if another man ever took my heart," she cried. "he gave me this necklace befor he died... it has his ashes in it."
"gross," stink said.
"its all i have left of him." regina put her clothes back on. "im soz, shreat....,, but we cannot be together!" with that, regina fled the house.
stert let out a cry of emotional pain and sobbed into his burlap comforter. but after a minute, he stood back up and raised his head. no. i have to win her! he decided, wiping away his unmanly tears. mama didnt raise no pussy.
so shturk galloped into the swamp. "REGINAAAAA" he called.
"SHREWD, HELP!!" he heard reginas voice from afar. he dashed into the murky swamp and found his lover trappd in quicksand.
shnerk threw a vine to regina. she caught it , and he dragged her from the quicksand with a mighty bellow. regina fell into his beefy arms, wonder and lust in her eyes.
"stuart... you saved me..,," she whispered, touching his face.
"i had to," he whispered back, wiping away her tears. "i love you <3"
regina gasped. with those three words, she and syria had been cursed! her necklace exploded into a cloud, and from that cloud rose a figure....
"HARRY STYLES?!!" shtick shouted in surprise. the ghostly form of none other than harry styles walked toward them.
"regina, mi amore," he said in a foreing language serial coulnt possibly begin to comprehend, "ive missed you." he looked at sanjay in disgust. "ugh, bloody hell, who's this ugly motherfucker?"
"THIS UGLY MOTERFUCKER IS ACTUALLY YOUR WIFE-FUCKER" stinky scremed as he punched harry styles. but his hand went right through harry's beautiful face. sandy fell into a puddle in his zest.
"mwahahahaha!" harry cackled, "you cannot defeat me!!"
regina, meanwhile, had pulled over a lawnchair and was eating popcorn, watching the showdown like she was at wrestlemania. "yea, fight!"
sass stood up , wipin the mud off his face. "maybe i cant defet you.... but i know someoe who can!" he made the sign pf the cross, and from the sky came a beam of hevenly light, and from this light desecnded none other than jesus christ himself.
harry gasped. "oh no- my only worthy rival has arrived!"
"tht's right, harry styles," jesus said. "and now...,,, YOU WILL BE DEFEATED." from his robe, jesus pulled out a yu-gi-oh card and tossed it on the ground in front of harry.
harry screamed as jesus sent him to the shadow realm. harry was devoured in darkness and vanished. jesus went back upstairs in a beam of light, and the swamp was dark and quiet once again. regina threw her arms around suds.
"oh, snorlax, you defeated him!" she cried in delight. "i love you!"
stonk gasped. "i'm love you, too!"
he carried her bridal style back to his hut and they spent the rest of the night having steamy, ogre sex. they had many ogre-human babies. regina opened the first target supercenter in this particular swamp, and stork cooked her rat kebabs every night before banging on some burlap sacks.
~ fin ~
