Breached

CH 6: It's Not Supposed to Hurt This Much

           I was done with my work early so I decided it would be a good idea to relax by watching some YouTube videos.

"Relax." What was that word anymore? Ever since that night- No. Don't think about it Kim.

I mindlessly clicked on the first video I saw. I watched it for a little before I realized it was titled. "Heartache and How to Deal With It."

Nope! I searched something random and watched that. I soon clicked out of it. It was about a girl who just suffered from a breakup and was ranting about it.

I tried one last video. I slammed my computer shut thinking I was the stupidest person in the world. I was sitting on my couch basically watching "How to Get Over a Breakup' videos while listening to sad songs in the background. I didn't even break up with anyone!

I sound pathetic, don't I? All I needed now was a tub of chocolate ice cream and it would complete the look I was going for. I had my sweatpants and hoodie on but that was more because I was cold.

The saddest part about it is I was more hung up over it than when Evan broke up with me.

The videos distracted me from my thoughts of Derek but at the same time, it kept reminding me of him.

The only thing that was going good for me were my grades. I was doing surprisingly the best in the class I had with Derek.

It was all hard work and the fact that I wanted to prove to him that I was fine without him.

My heart was hurting to the point where I would sometimes vomit or pass out. I was never sure whether to eat or not. If I ate I threw up. If I didn't, I would be so hungry that I would faint or dry heave.

I was lucky enough not to pass out in class but I didn't like having to run to the bathroom either. I had to go home from work early once because I felt so dizzy.

What made it worse was that I could feel Derek's eyes on me. I would turn around for just a second and see the unhappiness on his face.

I took a moment to be grateful that Derek couldn't watch me in this "breakup phase." It wouldn't help me keep up the whole "I'm fine" thing.

I looked at my phone again, wondering if I should call Tarynn. I then decided not to. I wanted someone who I could talk to. I didn't want to talk to her phone or Tinder. I didn't want her to try stealing away Derek-

Wrong choice of words. Tarynn and Derek were not compatible.

I decided that was enough of the internet for one day. It wasn't helping me out in the slightest. I couldn't look at my comp sci notes because everything was taught to me by Derek. I tried to read a regular book but it was a love story. I couldn't stomach those just yet.

Was there anything for me to do that wouldn't put me at risk of thinking of Derek?

"You know, Kim, you can tell me about what's going on." Alex told me one day.

I was getting on my uniform for work in the back room and he happened to walk in to get something.

Great. Now Alex was starting to notice my personality change. I shook my head. "Nah, Alex, it's silly." I said to him.

Alex scoffed then started digging through his backpack. "You mean like that stupid thing with that guy? What was his name? Derek or something?"

I almost choked. I had to take a moment to breathe. I nodded weakly, not saying anything.

It didn't take long for Alex to get it. "Oh." He said.