From your dying sister...

Tape recording

9th January 2011

 

(Tape recording)

 

I’m having a bad day, as in so bad all I can do is lie in bed and want to die bad. I’m too weak to write and I look too awful to video message so I thought I’d try a tape.

 

I’m starting to think those doctors were being optimistic… it’s been less than a week since I was given a year to live but I feel every breath is such a struggle it could easily be the last.

 

There’s a bird singing in the garden and I can hear you and Jake playing on the swings. You sound happy Lucy; looking back now do you think you were happy? You’re living in my shadow, a lot of younger siblings live in the shadow of their older successful siblings but you live in the shadow of me. I only get more attention because I’ll die without it.

 

Every breath I take is a struggle and it seems so easy, too easy, to just give up all together. But something always pulls me through; I think it’s you Lucy. I think it’s you that’s pulling me through this.

 

 

 

I’ve never been a believer in God or anything. I’m not expecting to go to hell when I die. Because I definitely don’t deserve to go to heaven. But… I can’t help wishing there is something like that so that I’ll see you again. So I can tell you things when you’ve got enough experience to understand what I’m saying. Anything I say to you now either goes over your head or you manage to no hear ‘EU crisis’ and hear ‘glitter ponies and jelly’ instead.

 

I’m sorry, I have to go no… I don’t have the energy to keep talking. I love you Lucy, never forget that… bye.     

 

 This one is very short, but it is kinda because of Martha... no, it was because I was feeling very emotional today so I wanted to do a moving chapter about how ill Martha is. Though I'm not sure if it passed moving and went into pathetic... as always, please let me know so I can improve :)