Kill Me.

I Need This.

I feel Sick.

Im Lying in bed on my phone, scrolling through instagram listening to the same son on repeat.

I slept Till from 1 am to 5 pm.

I stayed in bed all day except i got up just to eat a few things.

My sleep schedule has been at its worst lately. i slept at 1 am, 4 am then 3 am. and now its 1 am and i am writing this.

my hips and back hurt. they ache. i need to sit in a better posture i repeat to myself.

im not listening.

the more you keep this up youre body will give up on you i think to myself over and over.

Thats exactly what i want i speak softly with a wimper.

i stroll through instagram looking at peoples perfect lives.

i think to myself. i have a good life.. but not good enough.

i keep telling myself to get out of bed and go do something.

my excuse is its 1 am.

that is a damn good excuse.

i pretend to commit suicide. i pop a few skittle in my mouth and lay in bed ready to die. 

you wish.

Why do i do this. its not like im depressed.

i feel like im just, supposed to die. its what everyone is telling me behind their fake smiles and laughs.

I mentally think up a suicide note. "fuck you and your lies. i dont want anybodys pity for me. you all saw this coming." it would read

or a nicer one that says "i love you all but you loved me too, you just didnt see this coming did you? behind all my fake smiles was a child deeply wanting to die. you just didnt bother to look into me and find that child. This is your mistake"

and then i think of the massacre that wold happen. the school would have a whole assembly, my friends and families will be forced into therapy.

but then i think, not my problem. id be dead. the happiest thing ever that would happen to me.

people say, dont kill yourself just think of your friends and family, they love you.

I know and thats exactly why. You THINK they love you but deep down your just another problem to them. im a waste of time to everyone. Just as you are. bt you havent realized. you havent thought about it as deeply as i have, have you?

try it. it hurts you. 

thats all i have to say. die.