The Gang Leader's Girl

21. I Just Led on a Gang Leader.

"I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." 

- Stephen Chbosky

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I'm not suicidal, I would never purposefully hurt myself, other people did that well enough already. But there are days I wished I had never woken up in the morning or I'd hoped a city bus would take pity on me and turn me into a human-sized pancake.

I'm happy to announce, today was not one of those days. I woke up feeling good, great even. I had finally gotten a full nights sleep without suffering from any bad dreams, I woke up and there were no dried tears or a sore throat.

I count that as a win.

I was lying unmoving in bed with Axel's arms around me still. I was dumbfounded that he had yet to escape to his own room, which I thought for sure he was going too. I figured once he woke up, no longer drunk, he'd be long gone.

But he was still here.

I looked over at him and an unfamiliar emotion washed through me, I found myself glad, maybe even relieved that Axel was still here. I couldn't tell you exactly what I was feeling even if I tried, but the sight of him sleeping peacefully made my heart swell uncontrollably.

My heart did what now?

The feeling was warm and filled with yearning and I couldn't help but feel slightly attached to the gorgeous, unconscious boy next to me. I couldn't tell if I felt this way because of my confused feeling towards Axel or if it was simply because I was tired of being lonely.

And when I was with Axel, I was anything but lonely.

I can't even think properly when it comes to him. His eyes and actions say one thing but the words from his mouth say another, so just when I think I understood Axel, he changes in the blink of an eye leaving me in more of a mess than before.

I think he might feel the same, even though I knew he would never admit it out loud. We're like a carousel, going around in circles with each other, neither of us was going to tell the other how we felt.

At least I certainly wasn't.

But there was no way Axel felt nothing for me, even though that's what he wants me to believe. If he didn't at least like me, why would he be here right now?

You sound ridiculous, he was drunk.

I brushed my thoughts away with a sigh, maybe it was for the best if things stayed the way they were now. My life was already complicated and a relationship wouldn't really help with that situation, not to mention, my past relationships didn't go so well either.

I just needed to focus on getting back to New York, that's what is really important. Rose has been a blessing for allowing me into her house and caring for me the way she has, I knew that. But my life was there, in the Big Apple, and my life I mean mom. All I have left of her were broken memories of what she used to be.

I'm hoping by traveling back to my childhood home or even the park down the street from the apartment we had to live in when we couldn't afford the house because her medication was just too expensive, would somehow make me feel closer to her.