who am I ???

December 25th 2017

      Yes today is Christmas as I begin my writing on my brand new laptop but no one said it was a good christmas. Shall I tell you why, well I'm dating this guy and he and I are not supposed to be together. We've been together since september 13th and no one knows but today out of days were fighting. You see we used to be allowed to date but that was before he dumped for for a girl whos built like a football player. I know right, are you kidding me. Hahaha dumb bitch thought she could still my main. Ha cute.

    Anyways he texted her today and asked for his fishing pole and tackle box back. Only he didn't tell me he was texting her a friend told me. Therefore I asked him and he said he was but what he failed to metchion was why. So of course I was mad. I mean come on who wouldn't be he broke up with me for her. He told me they were just friends but I knew something was wrong. Cant full momma.  

    It feels so hard to trust him witch for some reason I used to do so easily. I don't open up to people so easily and it's really hard to trust people but for some reason I let him walk right in. Yes I have commitment issues but I promised I would get through it without letting my issues get to me and it went so smoothly. He has those issues to tho the issues I finally worked through now I have to deal with what other people had to deal with me.

    I guess after my dad left I stopped letting people in so easily it's not as easy as it used to be. My dad moved to iowa and now I have to half younger siblings a boy and a girl and there moms in rehab so just like I don't have a dad they don't either. You can tell my mom and him still have that spark. But my mom doesn't want to light it because she's just as scared as I am only differences she left him and he left me. My mom broke up with my dad a long time ago and it was because he didn't have the best job but I don't get it because at least he had a job she dont at all. Also, isn't love supposed to be about the way that person makes you feel,  not money.

    Maybe that's a fairy tail nowadays but not to me I don't care about money or carriers. It's about having someone who makes you heart skip about 10 beats a minute.

    He texted me he wants to talk about everything when he gets a chance to call. Im scared hes gonna leave. I'm panicking and I don't know what to do but I just keep hoping but maybe this is god telling me to give up hope because I always end up getting hurt. What if I'm tired of being the one who gets hurt. Well guess this time it's not up to me. When do I get to take control of my happiness.

        Well, he broke up with me. Yay so awesome merry fucking christmas. I hate people my favorite holliday feels like it was just smashed right in to my hands.  Man, people say it hurts less after a certain amount of time then how come the pain has never went away every time it just hurts more I feel like I just keep giving my all and putting so much hope into this and maybe I should just give up. I should have listen to everybody else when they told me not to go back.  Stupid girl.

   I have all of our photos saved in my docs but now i have to delete them and I know i won't have the heart to. I feel like i cant breath my anxiety is taking over.

    Fucking hate christmas.

9:40

    So done with this day but I think I'll be okay I have good friends who love me and want what's best for me. Thanks to those few people who actually care. Love yall. Bryan brookie kailey thanks for being friend that I can always count on. Bryan thanks for always making me laugh and smile I know we have had some rough patches but you've always made me happy just by being you so thanks for that. Brookie thanks for always being a phone call away, I love you girl and Kailey thanks for always knowing just what to say and being the critical bitch in the group but it's okay because we're both bitches witch is why I love you laughing my ass off.

   

11:04

    On the phone with Adrian. Man this is hard. I hate this whole just being friends. Can't seem to be happy because with or without him I'm stuck.

    I feel like i'll be fine. Maybe, I think, I don't know.