Translucent

1

Have you ever thought about killing yourself? The different ways you could possibly do it. Perhaps taking a knife and stabbing yourself. Maybe hanging yourself with a rope on a fan that swirls around too slowly in the filthy apartment you live in. Have you ever wished to be someone else because you aren't satisfied with your own life? If you answered yes to any of these then I know exactly how you feel.

My name is Roxanna but some people call me Rox. I'm 15 years old and live with my mother and father. I am not the only child in the house. I am the third born out of six. Now, my story is a bit different then others. Some may say it could be as monotony as theirs.Possibly it is similar. I never really focus on the rest of the world because I have enough to deal with solitarily. You may think that is very egotistical or self conceited of me to say but it is how I feel. Feelings are individual and no one on this universe can tell me about how I feel.

'You were born alone and you will die alone' Is what they tell me. I know it is true but why perpetually repeat it? Don't you hate it when parents or "elders" always think they know better then you. They tell you their life story about all their mistakes as if you will make the same. See, what the problem with this generation of mothers and fathers is that they are too ignorant. Don't get me wrong here; they do teach us a few things that we can learn from but then they begin to act extremely oblivious to the fact that; we too are also human beings and understand things. I always say to myself: A kid who was born in the ghetto and raised himself has a lot more knowledge then an adult who was raised upon luxury. They beg to differ, as usual. But this is the blank truth. I believe that everyone has something to say and not all children or even "the youths of today" should be looked down upon. This only corrupts our world that is already filled with such disgusting sins.

Have you ever felt neglected? To an extent where you start to ignore yourself because you begin to think that what people say about you may actually be true. There are times I take long walks to reflect on my life and the accomplishments I've made but then I suddenly get too distracted by the horrific words one has once said to me. I think the stage of depression that I have got to is where one might call it "numbness". I can no longer feel anything. You may begin to say "Well Roxanne , we all go through these things... It's apart of growing up". My question to you is, does it have to be? Is it really? Who is the one who said in order to grow a bit you need to go through depression or this lucid inadequacy of happiness.

The world supposedly contains 7.6billion people (give or take) and can you honestly imagine that not one person understands me? I sometimes wish to go back to the days when things were much more simpler. To the times when a teenage girl did not have to worry about much. The days where there were less things to worry about. I envy the people who make it in life, why? Because I know that I'll never be able to reach them. I can never be them. All I can do it sit quietly and observe. You would think that at least one person could understand me or that possibly someone feels the same way I do but that's not my case at all.

Do you question your existence or your creation? Like, what your purpose was to be brought into the world. Have you ever been told by your parents that you are a mistake? Have you ever heard your mother and father talk about you in the midst of the nights as they curse your name.? This could be normal for any regular teenager. Parents tend to become agitated and bundled up against their teenage children. But what I'm talking about is much worse.

*~*~*~*~
The first born in my family is my brother. His name is Brody. Brody is the eldest so he's regarded as the most responsible. Which isn't vanity. My parents adore him and all my siblings look up to him. He's one of those star students that are just talented in every way possible. He learned how to talk at an early age, could spell his name in kindergarten, could ride a two wheeled bicycle by the age of 5. He was the smartest kid in his class and had straight A's on his report card. He flew by elementary school with an honours award and all his teachers said he was the most well disciplined boy they've ever met. Outside of education he was an athlete. He could swim, dance and play 8 different instruments; including a trombone. He fluently speaks over 30 indigenous languages and has visited every continent in the world. In university he got into medicine school and became a Nero surgeon. He now owns over 12 hospitals across the world and is happily married with 3 kids at the age of 35. He owns his own mansion, paid off. He has so many cars that I've lost count. He donates money to charities, feeds the sick and clothes the poor. All the most modest bullshit you can think of, he's already done. In fact; he's always one step ahead of you.

I'm nothing like that.

All my life I've always been compared to the rest of my siblings because for some strange reason I seem to be much much more different then them. I am not a male, to begin with. My father doesn't seem to understand that. My parents have raised us all well in those extremely religious houses and everyone in the family tree is just ... well, perfect. I wish I was like that. I'm not really go at anything. You know how they say everyone has some sort of talent or gift? I don't think I was in that population. It's not that I don't do anything. I go to high school and have a normal life just like the rest of the girls my age. I've been to parties, dated a few jerks and do all the rebellious activities one takes part in.

I don't have many friends. The ones I do have are fake. They tell me they love me and say that I'm beautiful. Behind my back I hear the opposite. I have come to realization with myself that maybe it's okay to be alone. Maybe it's okay to sit by myself and preserve my thoughts and opinions. I try not to overwhelm my parents with my life. They always complain about the mortgage anyway. Sometimes I feel like I'm not existent. I feel like when I get into the room I just blend into it. My problems are not your problems either so feeling pity would be vacuity.

There's a difference between a tree trunk and leaves. The difference is, when the wind blows with potent air, the leaves begin to quiver in fear. Tree trunks do not mind. Why? Because tree trunks are connected with their roots. Leaves come and go. They fall to the ground very swiftly during the autumn season. The trunk does not move one bit.

I am like a leaf.