Only In His Dreams

Where it begins?

I really don't know where it began. Maybe it was when I was born...but even before that you can still tell there were problems. It's hard to be home and get picked at all day then go to school just to get bullied. I thought home was where you could escape the events of the days, a place that's safe. But it's turning out to be more of a hell hole then anything. School is no better, I can only hope someone doesn't hurt me more physically or mentally. I can't take much more. I'm scared to leave my room half of the time, it's like I'm trapped here...just like I'm trapped in my own mind. Thoughts race through...I can't tell if they are true or not anymore.

Ugly.

Stupid.

Useless.

Worthless.

Annoying.

Brat.

I honestly believe all of those, why not? Everyone tells me everyday...they must be right. My opinion against there's....they always win. I curled up further into the corner, trying to squeeze myself from existence but it never works. I wanna keep my legs curled up to my chest and my head covered with my arms as I think about how much of a disappointment I am...but I can't. I end up looking around my room as if something would change with one glance.

My room was pretty much a disappointment like me, it wasn't pretty, it was ugly, not much to it, it was just plain. Sorta like me. The pale blue paint was chipping off the walls along with several holes. The boards squeaked every time someone steps on them, they were uneven. The nails poked out of the ground just waiting for their next victim to fall on them, which happens to be me most of the time. I had a mattress, it's actually what I was sitting on. It's just a lumpy, old mattress I found in a alley way. I got tired of sleeping on the floor and waking up with splinters in my face. I'm grateful for it, I haven't had a bed since I was six. I also found a card board box in the dumpster, with a little bit of taping I turned it into a night stand. I kept rolling into my pathetic excuse for a lamp in my sleep so now I have somewhere to put it. There were also a couple of posters hanging up, some tilted due to having only so many tacks. I actually paid for one, I was so excited because I'd wanted something to hang up in my room to make it look somewhat decent, my mum tore it in half the same day. I was devastated, I taped what I could of it and tried glueing but it won't be the same as when I first bought it. After that I just started rummaging through garbage to find them, if my mom knew I found it in the dumpster she let me keep it stating "you should surround yourself more with things like you, that piece of garbage is a nice start ".

So I pretty much did, not having anything else. Every time I had something nice she'd take it and ruin it. Even when I was seven and was given a teddy bear by my aunt, she tore its head off right in front of me and then proceeded to make me throw it in the garbage myself. I never had a stuffed animal again.

I honestly don't know what I did wrong. Maybe that's why she's so angry? Maybe knowing that I don't know pisses her off? Or maybe it's the fact I haven't really done anything and she just wants to have something to be angry about? I don't know...maybe just existing pisses her off. She's told me thousands of times of how she didn't want me. She told me she wanted to stop after my sister and two older brothers. But she didn't now did she. They all moved out at a young age though, 13 being the youngest which was when my sister moved out. My brothers left me shortly after....I was only 9 at the time. None of them cared to take me with them, I guess I now know why. I should go out on my own like they did but I just can't. I'm just scared, I was my mums least favorite obviously so I learned a lot of childhood skills later in life I suppose. I didn't talk until I was four and I didn't walk until I was five. My mum said it was because I was dumb, of course I believed her. So when my teachers asked me why I couldn't read, I simply told them it was because I was dumb. That got me a phone call home, I didn't understand why...I was just being honest. Either way I got my arse tore up for that one, beat the shit out of me until I passed out and woke up and couldn't remember my name. I found out it was Harry later on after she had gotten mad at me for not responding the first time to my name.