The Book I'll Never Write

Chapter: Silence Kills Me

I've always been the one to constantly talk to avoid awkward silence. Even if it wasn't awkward, I hated it. But I don't really like talking that much. I prefer listening to other people talk. I'm not sure why though, maybe because I never felt like I had anything important to say. I grew up with my mother saying "don't talk unless spoken to" and that mindset has followed me around. I'm still immensely shy, and even when I hate awkward silence, I usually don't know how to fill it.

Not only that, but I look down all the time. I look down probably 85-90% of the time, which can lead to a lot of awkward situations. Some people think I'm sad and try to cheer me up, and I always laugh and say I'm fine, really, I'm just shy. I don't really know why I look down so much, or why I don't talk a whole lot. And I don't make eye contact much either, it makes me uncomfortable. My lovely boyfriend is trying to help me with all of this, and I honestly am getting better about looking up, making eye contact, and just faking it.

But I get so anxious, crowded places get to be too much for me. School hallways are a nightmare, and I always feel panicky and lost. My older sister and her Boyfriend said to get a scarf, and put a strong smell on it. Something that makes you happy, or calms you down. I want to have my boyfriend spray his cologne on it, because it's really strong and makes me feel safer. I tend to freak out a lot, I'll always think people are talking about me or looking at me. I think everyone is judging me and it's honestly kind of heartbreaking.

I used to be a lovely, bubbly, outgoing kid. I'd talk and smile and laugh. I knew that people adored me. But now? Now all I can think of is the fact that my makeup isn't all that great, and My hair isn't the best, and I have acne. I focus on the fact that I have really wide hips, and my stomach bulges out a little bit. It's awful, and I have been learning to accept myself for who I am, but my god it is difficult.