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i want to feel something. anything. anything at all. anything but the emptiness. anything but the void that has sent me spiraling into empty space. im floating in time. never moving forward. never progressing. always stuck, wishing i could scream until my vocal cords tear, wishing i could claw at the walls of my solitude until my fingers bleed and break.
i can't even cry. or ignite anger in my chest. i can't even fucking write pretty words to describe the horror of being trapped inside myself without a voice to save me from the silence. i feel nothing. i am nothing.
sometimes i think im fading. losing myself in the fog. i reach out to grab my own hand because god knows no one else would spare the kindness of tracking down my lost, wondering soul. i find nothing. not even cold air. just a blank space.
i wish i could say that it hurts. it doesn't. i wish i could say it burns. it doesn't. i wish i could say that i cried for hours after attending my own funeral; because surely a creature this empty is far past the threshold of death. i can't. i am a walking corpse. hollowed and apathetic with lethargy infected bones. my spirit has fled to better places, and left the rest of me to decay.
feeling pain would be better than feeling nothing at all. pain is a reminder that things are real; that they matter. at this point im not ever certain if i exist.
if you see this. please. don't let me lose myself.
