The Book I'll Never Write

Chapter: Memory

I think I was nervous to share this because it's so intimate and personal, but the more I think about it the more I realize I definitely need to share this. All my life I felt like I was alone, or that nobody else felt how I did. If I had realized other people felt like I did, I think it would have been a little easier to cope. My aunt talked to me the other day and was asking how I was really, and she is one of the only people who really truly listened to me. She heard what I was saying and she understood. It was incredible.

This may seem a little off topic, but bear with me. I remember when I was younger, I would go to my Granny and Pawpaw's house. My Granny always sat inside, she didn't really go outside a whole lot. But she would always cook, and I would always help her. Whether it was cooking dinner or cooking dessert, I would always be beside her helping her. I was the one who stayed up with her a lot too, and I usually talked to her a lot. I always asked how she was doing, and I knew she had the same deep down sadness I felt. The summer before my freshman year, we were visiting Granny and Pawpaw before we went to see my aunt in Connecticut. I was helping Granny clean her rings, (she had one for each grandchild and left each one of us one in her will) and she held one up. It was a sterling silver four leaf clover with 5 real diamonds in it. She got a little teary-eyed, and held it out to me. "You get this one," she wrapped her hands around mine as her eyes filled with tears, "Because you're the only one who helps me." In that moment I knew she wasn't just talking about helping cook. She told me I was old enough know to have it, and she gave me a hug and told me it was Brent's. Brent was my Granny's son. He had killed himself when he was 14, so I never met him. But In his pocket was that ring. And My granny gave it to me. I felt a lot of emotions in that moment, it broke my heart to watch her tear up. And I made sure to take special care of that ring, that I will carry with me forever.

But perhaps the saddest part of this memory, is that a few days after we left to drive to Connecticut. We stayed there for 3 days when my older sister came to wake me up with a sad face. I remember it was raining and the sky was dark and I knew. My older sister looked at me and put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Granny... passed away." She turned and left after that, and I cried. I tried my hardest not to, I really did. But I still get teary eyed when I hear "I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck" Because that was what she always said. My granny honestly was one of my dearest friends, and I love her to the ends of the universe and beyond. It still breaks my heart that she's gone. At her funeral, I think I probably cried the most out of everyone. I felt a piece of my soul leave me. And as much as I hate admitting this, even as I'm writing this there are tears on my cheeks.

She really was a wonderful woman. She was kind, and loving and good. She would always make this dessert, and I wish I could get the recipe, but it had pineapple and cherries and it was just so good. And she would take us down to the creek to go swimming even if we didn't have swimsuits on.

I don't know why I wrote this, but.. It feels right somehow.