70's Porno Music

Roper

April 17, 1973

I can ask only so many times if Bev is okay.

Physically being there in no way compares being there emotionally.

She lets me run lyrics by her. I scratch them in another journal. She flips through the pages at odd times of the day. Mostly when she gets home from her photo shoots.

I asked her why she still models because she always comes home so sad after them. Her makeup runs a little and she never wants to kiss me until after she takes a shower.

I still try to and she still pushes me away. She takes up so much time in the shower. Time we could spend kissing.

I know why she takes so long. I walk in after she's done, once she starts moisturizing in her bedroom. She mirror is foggy. Its unimaginably hot.

I see the rubber band on the sink. She always forgets it there. I throw it out for her. I wipe my the end of my sleeves on the mirror making a clear picture of myself in the reflection.

I notice that she's always a little lighter after those showers. She never puts on clothes after. She let's me kiss her. A lot.

When she slips her robe off, I can see the small dots of blood on her arm. Band-aids are dependent on whether or not she can remember. That's when I snap back to reality. I cannot lay down with her in these vulnerable moments.

I think she misunderstands it. I don't want to sleep with her after showers not because I don't  want to but because she's not herself.

And she kisses me and tells me I'm her one and only.

"I only want you, Roper. Not those other men. Okay. Sometimes those other girls. I don't want them. You should know I don't want them."

But what does she mean by that? She says every time after work. Those other men.. Those other girls..

I've never called her my girlfriend. But I hope she's knows I only want her. How can I possibly think she feels the same when she talks about other people?

I want to say something. I just don't want her to cry. Watching her face crumble is the worst thing I have ever witnessed.

I'm sitting on the roof right now. I'm on my second cigarette. Bev just came from a shoot. After her shower when she cuddle up to me, I could still faintly smell cologne. It was in her hair and it wasn't mine.

I left her in confusion. Confused that I didn't want her when she was high. Confused that I pushed her away. Confused that I walked out her front door. I usually stay behind and ask her to read with me. She forgets about what she wanted to do and wraps her arms around me.

But this time I left her alone. Because how can she do that to me? I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions.. But even after a shower you still have the smell of a man on her..

I've called Mamma. Told her what happened and how I haven't gone back. She pushes me to return home because after all, I am paying for it.

She says I need to go home. I say some else needs me a little more.

***

A/N: Hello!!! Ugh this has to be my favorite chapter so far... The bathroom (shower) is a really big part of this story. I hope you all can see that.
Also, I make Roper's entries 100 more words or so (from now on), longer than Bev's just because Roper is suppose to know how to write better than Bev. As you may all know, the educations system for Black (and minorities in general) weren't nearly as good as whites. I don't know how to differentiate writing styles between the two, so I just make Roper's writings longer . Just a little info on that. Hope that makes sense...
Thank you all for the support!!
One day I'll have social media beyond Wattpad to sign off with... or not.