•late night thoughts•

•love•

•it's currently 12:29 AM•

I decided to talk about love. A subject for tonight that can cross into many other things- but for now I shall try and remain in this one idea. I may not know all about this subject of love, Hell, I've probably never felt that way for anyone. Therefore, there's not much I can say based on experience but there are a few things that I can indeed explain. I will also include an experience I myself had, that made me question many other things.

When you're young, the idea of love isn't anything but a word that your mother and father would say to you or to each other. Even a scene on TV where the actors would confess their love for one another. Once again, Love was nothing but a word.

Then you begin to realize, Love is a feeling. A feeling that we're taught and that we feel ourselves everyday. Us, as toddlers, begin to say the word love to our family members every day. And everything is fine and dandy because for some reason, we know they love us back.

We then get older, reaching our teens, not knowing what hell that word even means. I mean, yeah you use it with your family maybe a few friends. But you can doubt yourself and say, "am I for real? Do I even love that person." And that's where lines begin to blur. Our idea of love becomes mushed and distorted. Like mud ruining the crisp color of water, making it murky and brown. We begin to unwrap that the word "love" itself is thrown around and used loosely.

Especially entering into high school, there's always one couple that will have a guy (or girl) confess their "love" for this other person after they caught their eye at a party. But there are few that realize that it's not love at all. Its just the attraction that they might have for that person, and in this time period, it's almost always with body parts. And at this time, all the colors begin to merge- creating a slab of black- being lust. Lust is what they share- never was it ever love.

Guys can come to you and say they love that girl so much but in reality, anytime a person says that girls name, they would be imagining her ass or her breasts. When the person that you truly love pops into your head, you should think of all the times/memories that you've had with them that made you fall in love in the first place. Don't say you "love someone" because they have the biggest jugs around or the biggest penis. Because is ruins the beautiful color of love.

And as we are all mostly caught up in this idea of lust and wanting to have the"hottest" girl with the biggest breasts and the tightest ass, we never quite stop and think: "what part of her did you fall in love with that isn't tangible?"

A person in love would describe that person's laugh, that makes their heart skip beats. Their intelligence, that makes you wonder how a person could reach such a level and yet have eyes for you. Their generosity, that makes you strive to be a better person. Their bravery, that makes you incredibly proud that you're the one standing next to them. Many things, there are so so many things that one in love could say.

But sadly, we still remain in this cloud of lust. When we grow up, we begin to realize how many girls actually decided to have sex with a boy they met because they were in "love" and the ONLY way to keep them from falling out of love with you was to give them something that can never be returned. All because "Johnny" from the baseball team said he "loves" you and your ass- so might as well give it to him.... that happened to me once.

Thankfully, I didn't lose anything that day but I thought that I was head over heels over a guy. I played by the rules, I played hard to get, and he stuck around. So it must me love? Being older than me, he requested sex. He was persistent, so persistent that I began to tell myself, "why are you overreacting?!" "It's not a big deal! You're going to have sex again, this isn't your only time." We planned out everything and we ended up getting caught before anything happened. Months passed... years. And I look back and see that he doesn't speak to me, ask how I am- my name doesn't cross his mind as a priority much less as an idea. And how glad was I when I realized that I still have my virginity.

But there are some who succeed in these acts. Those who have partners just to use them and leave them as if they never knew their names. As if they never found their Instagrams, snapchats, or twitters. As if they never "hit them up" and constantly flooded them with compliments. So many compliments in hopes that the other will believe them and fall into this trap of false love. The type of love that many of us fall into.

And that's not what loves supposed to be at all. Love is a bright pink color when it's young. When you FIRST meet THAT person. Your eyes are sparkling, you begin to hear your heart- and then it suddenly stops when you see them looking at you too. Starting to talk to them and realize, where- where has this person been all my life? You begin to count how many things you both  have in common just to feel closer with them even on a personal level.

The color turns a blush pink, with a small and barely noticeable spray of red. When you realize that this person is the one thing that makes you feel like a better version of you. You hang out with them a lot, you've even had the pleasure of meeting their close friends as they have met yours. Then meeting their parents, when they realize how proud they are that YOU are what they show to their mother. Even when they talk with someone, you blur out all the noise- staring off into your partner's face wondering how long God took to make such a perfect person. And that, THAT perfect person is yours. When they even leave their toothbrush at your place and buys two of everything just to have it when they come over.

The color deepens, with more red to the mixture. You begin to realize that any problem you had, any backstory, has nothing on the perfect painting they have of you. They will not cast you away as people have done in the past, they will not use it against you, they will simply accept that it's a part of the person they truly love. And if they do love you, they have to love ALL of you. You then begin to realize that you could cry or have cried in that person's shoulder/lap/chest and you feel no remorse taking so much time to cry. You don't care that you're legs are slowly losing feeling from being crouched down for so long because all you feel besides the horrid pain you're crying about is their touch. Not only their touch, but you feel their warmth, their chest rising and falling, their breath at the top of your head or the side of your neck. And it doesn't matter how much pain you're in, these small details of this person keep you grounded. And they won't let you go, won't care that their shirt is stained or wet, or that they've held you for 30 minutes.

These are just a few of the smallest things you feel when you truly ARE in love. When you finally feel true love. And it's wonderful color begins to change and morph, increasing every time you find something new to love about them, until it has ended up as a red color. This red color, represented through many cliche things, will stay throughout and you will then realize that the person you are in love with lives in your veins, flows through your legs... even reaches your heart. Because that person now is so in love with you as you are with them that you both are one and you have them in your blood as they have you.

Then you will begin to see how many things you were exposed to were never love. But you notice how long it took you to find it's true form.

:)
•And it's currently now 1:29 AM•