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Chapter 19: The issues of a double life

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Chapter 19: The issues of a double life

Life in this world is nothing but an alternation of good and bad, of optimism and pessimism, of victory and failure, of light and darkness, and so on. And in this world, there is a category of people who manage to overcome heir marginalized condition by knowing how to live each passing moment. They acknowledge their purpose above all obstacles, and by reaching it, they become not heroes, but happy people.

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Have you ever noticed that when you are happy, when everything goes the way you want, you tend to drink your coffee, or tea, without sugar, or less sugar? But, when things don't work out, when you don't feel like shining, then you add more sugar to your drink…or you just take a bite out of a chocolate. This happens because we have the tendency to balance our senses.

I wasn't in the need for sugar in my first year of college. Heck, I didn't even have the time to grab a chocolate. That's because I was in perfect balance right then: I learned what I wanted to learn, I had people to talk to and a good friend to bound with - Chris. Plus, Kevin and I were on speaking terms without me felling awkward anymore. Things were just perfect… except: I was getting exhausted with all this running from one thing to the other.

Having friends in both colleges put me in the position to always make a choice about where I go and with whom. The atmosphere was certainly totally different.

I would have asked Chris how he copes with this, but after spending so much time with him, I came to know: he was not very attached to either party. Just like me, he chooses to focus on studies. Anyway, during the breaks, he only seems to be interested in talking to me. Other than that, he isn't that intrigued. In other words, he's sending me all kind of mixed signals, and I keep scratching my head inside and out, thinking about his behavior.

During weekends, I decided to go out on Fridays with Anny, Ariel, Amelia and Nicole, while Saturdays with Cynthia. Sunday was a 'me time' or a 'Chris and I' time. I made sure to have all their phone numbers. However, not long after the first weeks of college, it became clear for me that I preferred the company of Cynthia.

The girls from Environmental Sciences are just… too girly. I am a tomboy and so is Cynthia despite her good looks. Nicole and the others were talking about going shopping and stuff like that - even cooking, while I was only thinking about books and movies. Well, movies and parties were a common ground for which I was grateful.

Neither Cynthia, nor the girls from Environmental Sciences, and not even Chris, were living in campus. All of them had rented apartments. Life on campus was so much more appealing for me: common bath, common kitchen and so on. The idea of sharing, and the easy communication between people in the same hallway, plus the independence of having your parents away, were things I wished I could have. However, as a local student, I was not allowed to be part of this world.

Now, visiting someone on campus... that was allowed.

One day, I went with Chris to a friend of his in order for him to pick up some CD. Of course, that was just another occasion for me to feel awkward and uncomfortable as the respective person assumed I am his girlfriend when in fact I was not. I glanced for a brief second at Chris just to notice the same embarrassment plastered on his face as he denied it. For some reason I felt a little disappointed. What was I hoping for anyway?

The next morning, during a dreadful math class in Telecommunications, I was sitting next to Cynthia and other boys, thinking about all the mixed signals from Chris instead of paying attention to the incredible long equation on the blackboard. I tried to shift my attention towards those numbers, but I missed my target. One of the boys engaged into conversation with her and I happen to overhear it.