Hi everyone,
It's cha_O_s.
I haven't been active here for a while - practically went on hiatus for almost a year. Well, I intend to end that hiatus soon.
I'm sure some of you are wondering why I stopped updating my stories in 2017, when in the two years before that, I used to publish something at least once or twice a week. The short version is that I was in a very low state for the first half of 2017, and needed the rest of it to get back on my feet.
The long version...for that we have to go back a year or so.
You may remember I'd once mentioned that I was signing up for a creative writing class, thinking it would help me with my writing a lot. Truth is that it didn't. The course didn't work for me at all; on the contrary, it nearly made me stop writing. I experienced a kind of paralysis where I just couldn't come up with new ideas, let alone write them down. I struggled to finish prompts and my portfolio, and when I looked at some of the things I'd written, it didn't feel like I had written them.
Around the same time, there was a lot of discussion I came across regarding the perfect story. People (including my creative writing professor) put so much emphasis on proper characterization and setting and the like, and a particular style of writing...which really didn't work for me, I'll be honest. I have a very freeform style of writing, where I just pour everything out. Just like how I'm doing now.
I began to think my writing was absolute shit, and that I had no talent. I was just some silly wannabe who should stop writing and delete all my stories on Wattpad - yes, even The Academy, which is like my baby. I began to doubt the stories I'd read and loved for years, because they weren't perfect. By the time summer rolled around, I'd lost all confidence in myself.
My mum says that writing is like breathing to me. She's right. When I stopped writing I felt helpless, like something so essential to who I am was gone. I was paralyzed; it felt like I'd lost everything.
To add to that, I was going through personal difficulties at the exact same time. I had multiple breakdowns and feelings of anxiety in the first half of 2017. I didn't have my writing to cope, so things went downhill from there.
That's enough of a sob story now. The good news is that I'm healing. I'm in a much better position than I was last year. I've begun writing again, and I write almost every day now. Just yesterday I wrote over a thousand words, and the feeling of paralysis is almost gone.
I've found my own path of writing again, after being lost for months on end. It may not show on Wattpad, but it shows in my Writing folder on my PC. I'm so happy that I can write again, and hopefully I'll be able to show you guys too!
First of all, I want to apologize to each of you for letting you down. I want to say sorry to all the two hundred twenty-one thousand, nine hundred and twenty-three people (at last count) who follow me. Whether you came here out of curiosity, or because of The Academy, or my fanfiction, or my poetry, you saw something in me and my writing. You believed in me, but I didn't believe in myself, and for a time, I'm ashamed to say I didn't believe in anyone.
Second, I want to thank all of you. Much of the reason behind me regaining confidence was going through your comments on my stories over the years. You've left such lovely and heartwarming comments on each chapter, whether it's complimenting me on my writing, laughing at the crazy antics of my characters, or making your own theories, I enjoyed reading them. They gave me the confidence I needed to write again.
I want to become a writer who can make people smile and laugh; I want them to feel at home in my books and tell me that. I don't care about perfection anymore. I don't care if my characters aren't always well-rounded, or that my plots are sometimes super cliche. I can always improve...and sometimes, maybe a story is what it is because it's not perfect.
Feedback is still very important to me, and I'm very grateful to those people who have provided constructive feedback. If I can improve without losing what makes my writing unique, I'll take any opportunity that comes my way (I'm also a little stubborn at times, but I can work on it, hahaha).
But still, I won't give a fuck about the proper story if it means I'm truly happy and content with myself. Let my stories be weird. Am I happy when I write them? If yes, end of discussion.
I don't think anything I write will ever surpass The Academy; it's definitely my favourite story, and my most popular work. But that's okay, as long as whatever I write next makes me happy and doesn't make me think, "I don't want to write anymore." Last year was the first time I ever thought that, and I was terrified.
But now I tell myself, "I want to write again, and I want to smile while I do it."
And I will.
I don't know when exactly I will post regular updates on Wattpad again; there's a lot to do before that. But hopefully I'll be here a little more often than last year.
Wish me luck!
With love,
~S :)
