I'm Not Okay: a Ferard fanfic based on Cancer and I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

Ch. 17: Gerard

Gerard's POV
He didn't mean to lie to Frankie. He told himself when Frankie got back from Starbucks he would tell him that he would be dead within months.

But then Frankie, his sweet fiance, bounced through the door, looking so happy. He just couldn't. He loved Frankie's laugh, his enthusiasm and happiness and remembered vividly what it was like seeing him a wreck, mute with hollow eyes. He wasn't about to do that to him again, much less be the cause of it.

He couldn't.

He would tell him. Just when he thought Frankie was ready to hear it. Of course, Frankie would never be ready. But he had to tell him. Before.....

No. He would cross that bridge when he came to it.

But how would everything work out? Would he even get the chance to marry Frankie before he ended up in the morgue? Was it selfish to want to marry him before he died, knowing he'd make Frankie a widow, their marriage lasting less than half a year?

What if his death made Frankie try to kill himself again? What if Frankie succeeded?

All his questions swirled around in his head like a hurricane. He didn't have an answer or solution to a single one.

"Frankie?" Gerard asked tentatively.

Frankie, whose head was using Gerard's lap as a pillow, gazed up. "What's up?"

"You know I love you..." Gerard said, unsure how to say what he needed to say.

He could see he had startled Frankie. "Of course I know. What is it?"

Gerard paused, biting his lip in hesitation.  "If... anything happens to me --"

"--which it won't--" Frankie cut in emphatically.

"-- Then you have to promise you won't do anything."

Frankie narrowed his eyes at Gerard in suspicion and fear. He could tell that he had scared Frankie. "This doesn't have anything to do with what you were in a bad mood about earlier, does it?"

Perceptive, Gerard thought but shook his head. "No, love. I was just thinking about it. It's something I think about often, you know, not everyone beats cancer..."

"No, but you will." Frankie said in forced confidence. "I don't even want to discuss this because it isn't necessary."

"He's right. It isn't."

Both Gerard and Frankie turned toward the door to see Mikey  standing in the doorway.

Mikey walked into the room and smiled at the sight of Gerard and Frankie. "Lovebirds."

Excitedly, Frankie sat up. "We're not just lovebirds. We're engaged now!" He puffed his chest out proudly and climbed to go sit close to Gerard. Even with everything Gerard was facing, he had to chuckle. Frankie was just too cute. Ruefully, Frankie lowered his head. "I would show off our rings, but we don't have any yet."

Stunned, Mikey staggered back slightly. His eyebrows shot up in disbelief. "You're.... what?" He brought a hand to his forehead. "You're... engaged? To be married?"

"Uh, yeah. That's typically what engagements mean." Frankie said helpfully.

"We love each other." Gerard added fiercely, putting his hand over Frankie's and giving Mikey a look, challenging him to protest.

Laughing in shock, Mikey blew out a big breath. "Hey, easy there, brother. I didn't say there was anything wrong with it. If you two love each other then why not? I'm just surprised."

"Why?" Frankie piped up.

"Wouldn't you be? One moment, my brother gets a roommate, the next, they have a thing for each other, and the next, they're engaged! It's a lot, don't you think? And rather soon?" Mikey asked dryly.

"Like you said. If we love each other then why not?" Frankie demanded, cocking his head.

"Looks like he's been influenced by your sass, Gee." Mikey snorted. "Well, welcome to the family, future brother-in-law."

"Call me Frankie." Frankie grinned.

It was too much for Gerard. Mikey and Frankie were unaware and he didn't blame them at all because they were ignorant, but they were unknowingly flaunting the life he was never going to have in his face. His dream life he'd never live.

There were Mikey and Frankie, the two people he loved most in all the world, getting along and bantering. Mikey had given them his blessing, welcomed Frankie to the Way family. His life should have been perfect, but instead, he was going to leave it all behind within less than a year. Less than half a year.

And the thing was, he was selfishly scared too. He should have been just worrying about how his death would affect Mikey and Frankie, but the thing was, death scared him just as if he were a child again. It was permanent, it was final and forever and unchanging, it was terrifying.

Gerard tried desperately to keep a smile plastered on his face but couldn't. Even though his time was very limited and he knew he should spend it all with the people he loved, he really just wanted to be alone for this one day to organize his thoughts.

"Listen," Gerard interrupted, cutting off some teasing argument between his fiance and brother. "I don't feel so hot today. I really just want to sleep. Mikey, why don't you take Frankie out today? You guys can go spend some time with each other. Get to know one another. I mean, Frankie is going to be a part of the family. It would mean a lot to me."

Frankie stared at Gerard. "Out...like out of the hospital?"

"That's what I mean." Gerard confirmed, squeezing Frankie's hand. "Don't worry. Mikey probably won't kill you."

Mikey snorted. "Probably."

"Babe, are you su--"

"Shh." Gerard pressed a finger to Frankie's lips, silencing him. "Yes, I'm sure. For me? It would mean a lot."

To Gerard's surprise,  Frankie didn't argue. "All right," he agreed, leaning foward to plant a kiss on Gerard. "For you."

A/n: In 8th grade I never finished the story, so for several chapters now I've been writing as I go. I've always had an idea about how I wanted the fanfic to go and how it would end but im sort of losing interest in writing this -_- ack.
I'll still continue writing till its done(although I may be slow), only for a certain someone tho ;) ♡