Luke-
3:35 am
its the fifth night this week that i've woken up for an unknown reason. not even a full 3 minutes of me being awake gets to pass before i'm crying once again. everything just feels overwhelming and my mind feels so b l a n k...the scariest part is that i don't know why
after about a half hour of having an episode, i sigh running my hands over my face. laying back into the sheets that trap my body and make my inner thoughts radiate around my room, louder than any source of sound ever made. the sheets that held my cold aching body on the days i couldn't will my limbs to function. the sheets that only i have laid in, and that only know the smell of my skin and hair. the sheets that catch every salty emotion that dares to fall from my sunken tired eyes.
my room is dark, seeing that it's still very much the early morning. my lungs start to create a scratching feeling as my mind begs for fresh oxygen, the stale air of my tomb making every cell in my body plead for the cold night air that wisps around the outside of my forever shut window.
i stir for a moment before deciding to clamber up and away from my old creaky mattress. upon standing i kick on my shoes while placing a hoodie on my body.
as i make my way down the stairs of this too familiar apartment complex that makes me feel forgotten to everyone's minds, i feel the nerves in my feet react to each plop of my foot down the stoney concrete slabs. usually every feeling feels amplified after i sob uncontrollably for awhile, but i enjoy it kind of.
once outside in the night air, i inhale, expanding my heavy lungs as much as i can before releasing it all in an audible huff. my dizzy, cloudy head begins to clear. it's intoxicating almost.
before i can realize it, my feet began to move in the direction to the park trail next to my place. my ears drink in each sound being made around my sleepy body at the moment. personally i adore the sound of my tattered vans crunching down on the sandy, rocky trail. the peaceful slosh of water being moved around in the river. chirps of liveliness bellowing from the many crickets. upon walking for a little while I reach a bench.
my hurting knees let out sighs that portray in reality as cracking noises as i sit on the ice cold metal bench. the street lamps buzz around me, sweeping me up into this private conversation held between the lights and the wires pulsing with electricity. i do this at night alot, i'll wake up, have a panic attack (or what i assume is one i've never been diagnosed), get up from my bed, walk to the park, and sit on this cold bench. sometimes it feels like this bench is the only thing that gives me a sense of consistency here in my life.
as i look down to check the time on my phone, i hear the clattering of an object hitting the trail, along with a sigh and a muffled sob. looking to my right, i'm greeted with the image of a pale, black-haired, tall man. my eyes scanned over him for awhile before he could have the chance to notice me. he seemed to be around my age, his pale body adorned with a white t-shirt, black skinny jeans, and a black hooded sweater with white drawstrings and the zipper unzipped.
i quite liked his outfit and i frowned looking upon my own. i was wearing a grey hoodie, black joggers, and my hood was up. my sleeves were also rolled up to my elbow, falling just below it but still on my forearm. the only reason for this is so i can show off the many bracelets i've collected over the years.
the boy just stood there crying, his iPhone laying on the trail, his sobs disappearing into the night air with every heave of his body. not wanting this to be awkward i decide to speak up and ask him if he needed help.
"hey are you alright?" i greet. the boy looks up, his puffy red eyes meeting my equally as puffy ones.
"yeah i'm okay i just don't know what to do anymore, are you okay?" he choked out. his voice is smooth and quiet.
"um- i'm coping. i'm not sure what to do anymore as well." i say, equally as choked up. we both just look at each other for a moment.
"i know you don't know me, but is it alright if i ask why you were crying?"
he looked up at me after i said this, his green eyes poring into mine. after about a minute of awkward silence, i hear a sigh and i see the boy's jean clad legs appear next to me, indicating that he was now next to me on the bench.
"my boyfriend just dumped me over text while i'm here walking to his apartment, thats why my phone is on the ground." he says coldly. my eyes sort of drop with empathy and i purse my lips. considering the fact that he is probably awaiting an answer, i drop my expression and turn towards him.
"i'm sorry about that-"
"don't be, you have nothing to be sorry for." he says cutting me off. i stare at him trying to mimmic the look he is giving to me. he looks empty, and trying to mimmic emptiness is something i rarely have to try.
unaware of how to help, i sigh.
"do you maybe want to go get something to eat? food helps me..." i say, falsifying the fact that something could help me. nothing helps but maybe this guy has a basic sense of sadness that can be helped still..?
"no thanks." he says.
i stare at the ground in front of me. now I've gone and made it awkward. shaking my head, i stood, about to walk back into the small apartment that holds so much of my sadness im shocked it hasn't collapsed.
"what's your name? also why were you crying?" he pushes. confused on why he wanted to continue a conversation, especially about me, i sit back down.
"im extremely sad. i have crying attacks and its terrifying because i have no idea why. all my friends and family have abandoned me. and last but not least i feel useless. my name is luke by the way." i say with the least emotion i can, trying not to make this guy sad also.
"sorry about tha-" he tries to say.
"don't apologize to me, you didn't do it. ive felt like this since i was 12."
"-have you gone to a doctor about it?"
"no. im afraid to find out im saddened worse than i actually am. like... depressed. i don't want to feel useless or suicidal anymore and i don't want to put a label on it. i let my labels define me, and i definitely don't want my sadness to define me." i state.
he nods. for a long while we sit there in absence of words, but it isn't silent, the buzz of the park trail radiates it's lively noises all around our sad aching bodies.
"what's your name?" i ask. i hadn't realized that he didn't return his name after i gave him mine until just that moment.
"michael." he claimed softly.
"nice to meet you michael."
"nice to meet you too luke."
_
this may be very poorly written but it's my best. let me know if i should update!
