Want you back

When love isn't enough

'You still love her,' Shoshana said matter of factly.

'Yes,'Kristin replied. 'I do.'

Shoshana watched her lover, the woman she loved more than anything, go to the window and stare out.  She thought Kristin was away from that bad place. She thought they were good. She was apparently wrong.

'I can't help my loving her. I'll always love her.'

'Even though she has treated you like shit for years. You weren't her first choice, Kristin, and she sure as hell wouldn't pick you if you were the last person on the earth. She used you.'

Kristin knew this was true, knew it down to her bones, but that didn't change the fact that she couldn't let her go. She wished she could, but her soul wouldn't ever part with the one soul she'd loved for years.

'Please don't talk about her that way,' Kristin whispered. She turned to face Shoshana, her shoulders sagging. 'You can say what you want about me, but please don't talk about her that way.'

'I can't say  anything bad about you and you know it.' She walked up to Kristin, tilted her chin so she was looking at her, then kissed her softly. 'But I also can't make you stay if you want to leave. Don't make me be your last choice. If you want her, I'll accept it, but please don't stay because you think I can't handle it.'

'You're a good woman, better than most women I know,' Kristin said, half smiling. She traced Shoshana's jaw, memorizing her. 'But I can't love you back the way you deserve.' She knew she would miss her, but she wasn't Idina. Nobody would ever be Idina, it was something that had screwed her up for years.

She walked out of Shoshana's apartment, then went to the home of the woman who she wanted more than life, more than air, She loved her knowing she wouldn't love her in return. 

Idina answered the door, then narrowed her eyes.

'What the hell do you want?'

Kristin was immediately taken aback by her tone. She pulled her jacket tighter around her, then smiled softly.

'I just wanted to tell you I miss you.'

Idina threw her head back and cackled. 

'You miss me?!' She laughed so hard she snorted. She placed her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath. 'That's rich, Honey. Please leave.'

'Don't you miss me, miss us, even a little bit?'Kristin asked, her bottom lip quivering.

'How can I miss someone I don't know?'

Kristin swallowed hard. Tears pooled in her eyes. She forgot Idina was cruel. 

'I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't have come.'

She shakily ran to her car, put the keys in the ignition, then drove far away. She had pushed away Shoshana, Idina hated her. Her heart felt like it was breaking all over again. 

She eventually had to pull over, Her lungs felt like they were on fire. She couldn't breathe. Everything was spinning. She dug in her purse for her inhaler, but couldn't find it. It was at Shoshana's. She closed her eyes and panted.

Breathe, Kristi, She thought to herself. She was going to pass out if she didn't breathe.

She fumbled for her phone in her jean pocket. She had to call Shoshana. 

Suck up your pride, Kristi.

Her vision was becoming blurred.

You're going to die if you don't call her.

'Shoshana, I- I know you probably don't want to see me, but I need you to bring me my inhaler.,' She panted. 

Kristin's words came out jumbled, so much so that Shoshana could barely understand her. 'Baby,' She said, trying to understand her. 'Where are you?'

'I,' She gasped, her lungs burning. 'Somewhere by Idina's house. I'm not sure exactly where.'

Shoshana got in her car and attempted to go find Kristin, which wasn't easy. She had no idea where to look. She eventually found her car, with Kristin gasping for air.

'Baby,' She got out of her car, ran to her, then handed her her inhaler. 'Calm down.' She needed her to breathe and not pass out.

'She- She told me She didn't know who I was. She hates me,' Kristin sniffled, wiping her nose on her hoodie. 'Why is she so mean to me? Why?'

Shoshana wrapped her arms around her, letting her lover cry into her chest. She caressed her back.

'I've been nothing but nice to her, supported her, loved her. Why is this how she treats me? I have never met someone so mean in my life.'

Kristin sobbed violently. It was times like right now that she wished she had never met Idina, never loved her. 

'I don't understand how someone could be so mean. It's like she doesn't care about anything but herself.'

Shoshana could have told her that, but she, unlike Idina, wasn't, could never be mean to Kristin. She'd adored Kristin for years. There was no way She could hurt her starting now.