Are you okay?

I smile everyday. I feel like a ship.

Hello. I am South. I am the writer of this book. I am the creator of this semi poem. Would you read what I type if I told you it was my true feelings? My true self put onto a page directly from my thoughts.

If you are still reading, brace yourself for angst.

I smile everyday.
I laugh all the time.
I am so hyped.
I am filled with life.

I cry till theres no time left in the day to do it.
I try my best to not let it show.

I can't help it.

I am damaged.
I am broken.
I am bad.
I am evil.
I am useless.
I am nothing.
I am a nobody.
I am emo.

I feel no emotions except sadness.
I feel the fake smile that displays on my face automatically.
I feel like I'm a burden.
I feel as if my heart is tearing a bit more every day.
I feel like I'm just here to make Earth a worse place.
I feel like someone close will realize.

I have friends.
I feel like they double up so I'm the odd one out.
One of my best friends at school know this, they know and still complain about their own.
Still doesn't see my problems like I do.
They continue to rant about how much shit they have, yet...

Having someone there to listen is the best feeling in the world.
Ones best feeling might be eating a cookie, or turning into a unicorn.
But mine is having to know someone is there.

To help.
To guide.
To save.
To stop me
from doing something I'll regret.

I have not done any self harm for a while,
but Episodes are up and loading.
I cried myself to sleep the first night of my cruise.
My sadness got the best of me and thank god my family didn't realize.

No one will know...
No one will care...
No one will ever care...
No one will be there...
No one will see the true me...
No one will make me smile truly again...
No one will make me laugh like I'm alive inside again...
No one will make a bed beside me and hug me till my tears are gone...

No one is mt friend.
No one is my best friend.

This is from the conversation I had with Morgan (username: Unicorn_Magic_Music), an irl friend of mine who moved schools, in her book, im sorry. Quite a nice book, if you are fine with saddening depression.
Next cone cause I accidentally started another...

I feel like a ship, just like the cruise boat I went on.

Unbalanced.
Unwanted.
Unfortunate.

One my own, guided by something inside me - my heart.
That hasn't gotten much of any love.
Not towards me.
Beside me.

I'm yelled at.
I'm abused.
I fight with my siblings for a little thing, like a piece of food.

I yell at the people I love.
I don't deserve the people I love.
They deserve better.
But they're stuck with me-

A god damned, selfish, fat, ugly, bitch faced little emo shit.

My sister is demanding me to do something she can do herself in five seconds,
she might take my kindle,
the only thing I use to keep myself on Wattpad,
on a site that jeeps me reeled to the world.

I'm sorry if I am mean.
I'm sorry if I mess up.
I'm sorry if I fucked up.
I'm sorry if I ruined your life.
I'm sorry if I made it worse.
I'm sorry if I am burdening you.
I'm sorry if I am making yiu do something you dont want to do.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
I'm sorry if I forced you.
I'm sorry if I wasn't enough.

I'm broken, ashamed, ugly, unwanted, selfish, fat, depressed, little, shitty, a bitch, a nobody, a puppet of myself, a doll with a permanent smile on their face.

I am left out, hurt, crying, tearing, ruining, breaking, seeping away, dying, putting on a fake smile, making everyone think I'm okay.

"Are you okay?"

No. I'm dying inside the meaningless nobody I am.

"Yeah, I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You just looked sad."

I need to continue putting up my smile, showing I'm okay. Tell them I'm fine and don't need help.

"What?"

"Uh, never mind." They go back to the thing they were doing.
Leaving me.
They left me.
I'm forgotten.
I'm no one special.
I'm the only one they despise.

I am not what you expected me to be. I am much worse than that. I am waiting for death to bite my ass the minute you get mad at me.
Yet.
It doesn't come. I'm still alive. I'm still feeling pain.

Numb pain. The worst pain.
Maybe if I cut it would satisfy my hunger for death.
It wouldn't hurt. It would just take away the only thing wrong with everyone's life around me.

They would finally be happy.

Wow. I'm a shit that can express my depression. That's nice.

Whelp, comment if you need something (they won't, they never need anything from a disrespectful bitch like me), okay? And bye.