Letter to my Ex

Dear Austin

I hate it that I think about you when I'm alone, and I'm always alone. I hate that I don't hate you and no matter how much I'm hurting, I could never hurt you. I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm better without you because I honestly don't know if I am.  You were my first love and I don't regret that. I regret letting myself do that though. I loved you way too hard and too quickly.  I shouldn't have let myself feel something for you. I should have just kept my head down like I always do. I've never felt so comfortable with a guy before. You always made me laugh and made me feel so wanted. But then there were times when it felt like everything was just falling apart and you always assured me that everything was fine; that I was overthinking things. But I never was overthinking things. You hurt me when all I wanted was honesty. Everyone warned me about you in such a subtle way so I just took it as a NO GUY IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU type of thing. Even your sister warned me about you but I didn't care because I wanted you. I should have listened to people as they pointed out shady stuff but I didn't. I confronted you and we talked about it. Leaving me happy again. But I think it was a blinded type of happiness where I feel like I need this love or this happiness so I focus on the good. You made me happy but that happiness was only when it was convenient for you. I was looking for loyalty from someone who couldn't give me honesty. I wouldn't have felt so crushed if you would have just told me what you were doing, instead of me finding it out. Even though I broke up with you, I'm hurting. I had to end it before it ended me. You switched up and I didn't feel like I had a grip on what was happening. I knew that you were stressing and I wanted to help you and let you know that I'd be here for you, but little by little, you pushed me away. I didn't run away though, I held on for as long as I could. I just couldn't hurt anymore and it felt like suddenly you started hurting me. You didn't fight though, you were so quick to tell me how much you wanted me but also so quick to pull out the "we can be friends" lecture. Moments after we broke up, you said it couldn't be fixed, which proves to me that you didn't want it to be fixed. You had another girl to fall back on. I was just the live body but that didn't matter because you had an online thing. It's almost scary to know how little you cared after what happened. You said "I love you" first, I felt it first but you said it first. It's also scary to know that because you were so "prideful" after the breakup and so quick to say "it's too late", I have to force myself to believe that every I love you and heart-eyes emoji and kiss on the forehead and "I got you" was all pretend. I don't know if it was but I have to keep telling myself that in order to stop thinking about you so much. I hurt a lot and I'm still hurting. I didn't sleep or eat for days and all I could do was cry. My family wanted to hurt you but I didn't want them to. I just couldn't let them. And I don't hate you because at one point, I cared and loved you so much.You didn't create boundaries and let others know that you had me. You made me feel special all the time, until you didn't at all. You're too prideful, selfish and full of yourself to understand anything. Your sister said you had no conscious but I believe that you do have a conscious, you just block the important things out. Women have made you feel invincible, like you're a god. No matter how much I let you know that you meant a lot to me, it didn't matter because there were so many other people who made you feel like they needed you.  I kept asking myself "who am I? He didn't fight for me and he couldn't stop talking to girls so who was I?" You said that I hurt myself and you did nothing. You also said my tears weren't your fault. But we both know that was a lie. You told me and everyone that our problems weren't because of her but you never told me the real reason then. You couldn't even choose between me or her because you said you didn't want to. You said we were okay. We would have probably still been in an "peachy relationship" if you hadn't said I like to start problems. Because I never liked to start problems, you acted deceitful and I didn't wanna hide how I was feeling From you. Those bad feelings made me sick and I didn't wanna hate you while holding your hand and biting my tongue. Whether it was 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years, you meant something to me. Thanks to you though, I've learned how much happiness I deserve and I realize how much I'm worth. I didn't realize that before because I was constantly hating myself and putting myself down. It took having my first boyfriend and having my first heart break to realize how much I deserve. I'm hurting and being lonely sucks so fucking much but it's better to be lonely then to be with someone that took your love and kindness for granted.

I know you're never going to see this but I had to write this down because I felt bottled up. I also wish we had closure instead of just both of us sort of running away. I had a random moment of "weakness" and sadness and needed to write you a letter that I will never send to you. Even if I had sent it, you wouldn't read the whole thing.