temptation is complicated

beauty in the eye of the beholder

All my life, all I've heard is how ugly and stupid I am. It must be true. I mean as a child I would have done anything for a friend. Even just one. I needed that. I was the poor kid. The ugly kid. The weird kid. You get my point. And all I wanted to do was vanish into nothing. My mother always told me how great I was. I knew she was lying of course. As a teenager I had boyfriends or guys I screwed around with, but I was still the same ugly kid. I slept around a lot. I hoped it would cure my being ugly and stupid.

Then she noticed me. She must have or it would never have happened. She seems the kind to think things through. I am certain she is. Another thing I know is that she planned what happened between us the the first time. She had to have. Or we would have got caught. But why me? I know she's a lesbian, but I would not assume to be her type in a million years. Well anyways, it happened. I let Nichols be with me sexually. And it took my breath away really. I did everything I could do to stop it. I couldn't directly end it before it was too late.

Nichols did something that's never been done. She made me feel real beautiful. That is a word I don't use on myself, but that night she snuck into my bunk I had to allow it to sink in a bit. She had me convinced my whole life of being ugly had been a lie. Of course we haven't spoken of it or done it again. My confusion about my place in the heart of the lord is worse than ever. How can I make a connection sexually with another woman and not have hurt Jesus?

For the most part she's left me alone. Of course it hurts a lot, in spite of everything else I am feeling. I feel an urge to be close to her and I push it away. I know in my head that it's for the best if I don't wanna hurt God.l again. I just never have felt so beautiful in my life. And part of this whole ordeal of our incident is my need to clear the air, which I've been avoiding like crazy.

Seems odd that Vause hasn't given me any shit at work for the past few days. Seems that Nichols must've told. I'm too confused about everything else to be too upset. Come to think of it, none of those cheerleading lesbians have given me any trouble since. Maybe she told all of them, but at least it isn't spreading outside of their group. That I would also be able to figure out.

The nice thing about nature is the pouring rain. It's wild, like the ways of chaos. I think I love rain more than shine because it makes me feel brought to life in my heart. It's not that my heart isn't beating on sunny days. I just come alive so much more in the rain. Maybe it's the way it feels on my face. Or the way it smells. I don't know. But I've been in the yard for the past fifteen minutes and I have no intention of going in until it stops raining. I love downpours. Makes me feel close to god again.

I hear the rustling of wet leaves being crunched. I glance over and I see her. She looks intense. Like in a movie.

"Hey there."

I nod in her direction and anxiously shift from one foot to the other. I feel more confused than ever. Not to mention guilty and ashamed. She looks like she's on a mission of sorts.

"Nichols. How can I help you?"

Her eyes sharpen. She looks so hot and so serious.

"You know I think it's too wet out here. You might get a cold."

I shake my head. Not a chance.

"The rain is my favorite weather."

She looks knowingly at me. Kinda smug too. She forms a small smile and looks downward.

"I've been thinking about you. Have you been thinking about me?"

Oh no. She definitely cuts to the chase. Can't she see how much just being around her is fucking me up? And of course I have been thinking about her. Seems like ever two seconds or less maybe. To tell her that or not. That's what I'm deciding. Maybe I could tell her somewhat and leave the rest behind.  Let her think about it. Yeah.