Inside the Quiet Ones Mind

Fat

It started out back in 2015, everyone seemed to be glowing up, losing weight. The girls grew boobs, the boys bulked up and got muscular as their tone of voice seemed to drop-meanwhile the only thing I got was wider in all the wrong places, more acne, and another chin to add to my collection of them already. The encouraging words at home of "you're beautiful" and "you're not fat" seemed to constantly ring out through my head as I had actually believed it, that is, until highschool started.
It started off as any other school year would, the freshman would be all over the place, everyone would swarm to their cliques, and I was left all alone.
Why?
At first I never realized why, I thought it was because I never smiled or dressed too dark for all of the bright people in the room, until I eventually eavesdropped on a group of girls in the locker room. They thought I couldn't hear as I had my headphones in while I sat there instead of going to class, just munching on a candy bar I had stuffed in my backpack earlier. I could hear what they said, I felt their eyes secretly glance at me after another insult was lashed out, "She's so fat..." Ugly, Fat, Disgusting, Boy, Repulsive. Their words echoed in my head as I looked down, my heart beginning to pound roughly against my chest as I stood up and left the room quickly. That dreaded day came to an end as I stood before my bathroom mirror in the nude, completely repulsed by my own reflection. Short hair, acne covered skin, a big belly, no curves, double chin, I was the definition of disgusting.
I made a decision at that moment-I was going to drop weight. And oh how I'd come to regret that choice in the future.
The days, weeks and months flew by. I was growing out my hair, working out 4 hours everyday, the number on the scale eventually dropping slowly. I was losing weight in a healthy way...but it wasn't enough. This unquenchable thirst kept eating away the motivation I had to look good, all I cared about was seeing that number on the scale drop. It started off with only 2 pounds dropped a week...then 4, then 6, until I eventually had dropped 10 in 2 Days. The results were visible, I had lost my nasty chins, most of my acne cleared up, I was losing my giant belly, and even gained curves that many girls had desired. My guardians were shocked at how fast I was dropping, they used to call me fat, and now they said I was too skinny. Everyone was in awe, I looked beautiful right? I seemed to have gained a plethora of friends, people approached me with a smile rather than disgust, I no longer received any hate about my physical features-and even started getting love letters! They were all surprised. They didn't care how, they cared about how I looked.
So how was I dropping weight?
Every meal was always purged out until nothing came out except a clear liquid. My head would throb in pain, at some point in time my legs gave out from how weak they were as I couldn't even walk. I looked beautiful, that was the only thing that mattered. Skipping meals wasn't that much of a big deal, at first.
But when I wanted to stop, my body had been programmed to always puke out the meal I had barely consumed-involuntarily. After a year of purging, I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. My body was physically unable to stop, I remember the most I could eat without puking was half of a sandwich, but everyone else didn't seem to mind. Because I was beautiful. I was...with all the lack of nutrients, my body was draining itself of all energy it had left, I then was becoming too skinny. After ending up in the hospital, I closed my eyes in pain while crying, I had gained what I wanted, yet no one was here. No one was here to comfort me, I was all alone.
I came to a realization after that long and dreadful year, people only talk to those they find beautiful or attractive. And when you're the fat girl, you'll be rejected all throughout your life-because nobody likes the fat girl, they never do. As I was hooked to that IV, slowly fading away, I regretted dropping. Of course I gained beauty, but I had lost how giddy and happy I used to be.
People are horrible.
When you're ugly you're useless, but when you're pretty you're considered a rarity.
Nobody talked to me, nobody supported me when I was fat, but once I got skinny, everyone seemed to want to win me over.
Because nobody wanted to talk to the fat girl, she was disgusting. But once the fat girl got skinny, the insults went from being called a whale, to a skeleton. It was never enough.
It will never be enough..