Moving On: How my Past Has Shaped me

My Depression Pt. 2

I have been on testosterone for two months now. The place I went was a lot different than other places, I got prescribed T on my first visit. I had blood work done but not really anything to monitor my hormone levels. The doctor gave me a basic half dose prescription and told me to come back in a few months. It seemed really easy, it kind of seems too easy to me, but I'm not complaining. 

Life has been good recently, so I feel like I can't complain about much.

I have a beautiful girlfriend that I love, I live with her and her best friend, I'm a senior in high school, I work at Taco Bell with my girlfriend, I'm finally on T, and I'm doing all of the stuff I wanted to do with band and I have some really close friends. 

I hate that I still feel depressed.

I don't want to tell my girlfriend that I still feel depressed. I shouldn't be sad anymore, I'm on testosterone and that could just be my hormones or something. But ever since I was a kid, I've always been depressed, and it's never gone away. I only suppressed it for periods of time. It has always come back. I don't want anybody to think it's their fault. I went to therapy for years, I had so many therapists. My mom had to drag me around to a bunch of them trying to find the one that would actually help me not feel suicidal. After awhile I just gave up, and said "yeah I feel fine now, I'm happy and healthy". I tried to convince myself of that for a long time, and I'm still trying to do that today. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want anybody to find out and maybe I would get taken off of testosterone. I don't want to have to go to a therapist, they've never worked for me and I've always known that they don't help me the same way they help others. I wish I could talk to my girlfriend about how I feel but there's no easy answer for how to make me feel better. It's just constant. And I don't want my girlfriend to feel like she's not good enough or she's not making me happy.

Maybe I'll just tell her everything about my first relationship and why it hurts so bad today. I wish I had the courage to talk to her about it. She'll be off work pretty soon tonight but it's 2am and she doesn't feel good, she'll be tired and want to sleep. I would hate to keep her up just to make her worried before going to sleep. Because I don't think there's anything she can do but listen to me talk. I don't really know what to tell her. I love her so much. I don't want her to be upset that I have these feelings. It's not because I don't love her. I wish I knew what to tell her. But I've been wanting to talk to her about my feelings for awhile now and I still haven't had the courage or the time it feels like. 

I'm so scared. 

I just want to be happy.

Why can't I be happy like everyone else?