black // sequel to white // remington leith

prologue

dear diary,
please lead me to remington. 
i know i've done some things wrong, i know i've hurt him so badly from my stupid actions but it's been years now, i don't even know what to do. i can't live with myself! i go from guy to guy because i am simply too scared to hurt another perfect guy like remington. i did something wrong. so terribly wrong and i've left the few people that kept me safe. i live in a black hole where nothing seems to be right, nothing seems to be going right and the more i continue to go on, the more i find myself hurting. i've made everything worse, i've ruined everything... this i know. but i just want one person and if you could lead me back to that one person; i think everything will be good again. or atleast getting better. i know he's searching for me, or atleast i hope he is. i sound so stupid right now. it's like trying at nothing but i can't stop. i need to know where he is, if he's found someone better (god i hope he didn't). i just need him. please hear me out here.

my pencil tip breaks which would've been the only thing that stopped me from continuing to write this long essay about all i've done wrong and how i need to get back to the one person i care about with all my heart.

my life seems to be going to same way and despite my constant efforts to reach remington - i am put back onto the board of nothing. he's fell off the map, not literally but there is no phone number under his name back where we were living or anything like that.

i've come to the conclusion i can't love a single person.

i dream about remington. his face when he realized i was gone, sure i hadn't been around long enough to see what he appeared to be if it was sadness or relief but regardless i feel his hurt about it. i see it and it haunts me.

i wished something would lead me back to where he was... ANYTHING. 

but there seems to be nothing. 

it's as if the world is telling me it'd be best if i didn't hurt him more and sure i know that i'd hurt him more if i came back but i can't tell myself to not go back to him. i want to so badly.

i want to fix all i've broken even if that's near impossible, i won't give up. which is why i will find him. despite how hard, how much it hurts, how long it takes. 

i will find him. i am determined.