The Battle For Love (Lacuna Series #1)

Prologue

I stared at some couples being fully clingy to each other. Oh, how much I hate public displays of affection. But today is Valentine's Day, so I think I should give it a pass.

I bought food from a Korean store just a few steps from where I am. I should be studying right now since my midterm is in two weeks. My friends aren't available so I thought of going on a self-date instead.

I picked up a gimbap using my chopsticks and had a sip from my strawberry drink.

"Flowers, ma'am?" Tanong ni kuyang nagtitinda ng iba't ibang klaseng bulaklak.

Umiling ako. "No, kuya." I was thinking of buying one for myself pero walang tulips o kaya'y daisies doon. Tumango siya at umalis.

I saw some high schoolers sitting on the grass. I think they're having a picnic. One of them looked at me and raised her eyebrows. I was looking at them too much already. I shifted my gaze to other people. Why are high schoolers so scary these days? When I was in 7th grade, ni hindi ko magawang tumingin sa mga upper years because they were just so intimidating!

"Ate, wala ka bang kasama?" tanong nung babaeng nakatinginan ko kanina. Umiling ako at uminom ulit. "Gusto mo po ba?" naglahad ng isang kulay blue na crocheted tulips. "Gawa po ng boyfriend ko, binigyan niya po ako ng apat. 'I love you, baby' daw," she smiled sweetly. Parang kinikilig pa ata. Ineng, ganiyan rin ako noon. "Sa'yo na po 'tong isa, pwede namang tatlo lang para 'I love you'."

I smiled too. Despite being so bitter, it felt good to see that a boy made an effort to make his girlfriend happy on this special day. I was about to say no when another girl came up to me and handed me a small heart-shaped balloon. She said her boyfriend gave her three of those and that I could keep this one.

Nagpasalamat ako sa kanila. I finished eating and threw my garbage before taking my camera. I decided to take photos and upload them to my Instagram. It's been years since I posted on my account. This day is a great memory for me. It's crazy how strangers make you feel more seen than those who are actually close to you.

I took pictures of the high schoolers. The two girls introduced themselves; they said their names were Van and Nikka. I took photos of the things they gave me, other people, my surroundings, and finally, a picture of myself.

Then again, I tried to remember the feeling of being loved. I do feel loved. I have my friends. But having someone to celebrate this special day with—I barely remember how that feels.

I was raised in an unhealthy household. My mom and dad don't love each other despite being married for 21 years already. They were very open with their relationship, but only to me and my grandparents. I was a mistake, they said one time when they were fighting. I heard them. They never told me straight in the face, but ramdam ko iyon. They had no choice but to get married. Their families are both influential, and they thought it would be a disgrace and a big scandal if her unwanted pregnancy was revealed. I understand their reason. Pero if I were them, I wouldn't settle getting married to someone I don't love. Besides, I'm fine kung may iba't ibang pamilya man sila. They should've done that instead. Then they'd be happy, and I'd feel less of a burden.

I admit, I lack love and attention. I think, the only one who fully cares about me ay ang kasambahay at ang driver naming. They basically raised me because my parents are always busy. They settled on being business partners. There are times na isa o dalawang araw lang sila nakaka uwi sa isang buwan, at sa mga araw na 'yon, trabaho parin ang atupag.

I strived hard to feel validated. Mataas ang grades ko. I join student organizations and I participate in extracurricular activities in school. During summer, I teach kids how to read and write. There's this facility for homeless kids that my family donates and I've been teaching there for 5 years now. Sometimes, when I get an academic award, ate Rolly, 'yong kasambahay namin, would go to the stage with me instead of them. They're always busy. When I graduated senior high, they flew out of the country right after the ceremony and gave me money to go eat somewhere. I was hurt, but I should be grateful that they made time for me, right? I even took a course I don't really like just to please them. They have a firm and one time over dinner, they said BS Accountancy is a good prelaw course. I didn't even ask them, they didn't ask me what I wanted too. Still, I took BSA. I wanted to please them so bad just so they could at least tell me they were proud of me.

I never heard my parents say they loved me. But why would they say that? Hindi naman nila ako mahal. I'm a mistake. I should learn. I should stop expecting. This has been going on since the day I was born. Bakit ang hirap masanay? Sometimes, I look at the people around me and all I feel is envy and jealousy. They are so full of love. Bakit ako, kahit katiting ay wala niyan?

I once felt loved by a guy before. But it ended. In a way I thought I'd never fall in love or ever feel loved again. I even questioned if I was really loved. I still question if that love was real, up until today. I questioned everything. Bakit parang ang hirap kong mahalin? It was a different kind of heartbreak. Iyon bang malapit mo nang maabot pero sa kabila ng pagiging malapit, pakiramdam mo'y napakalayo at napakahirap paring abutin?

I almost lost myself over a man. Over a heartbreak. Before, I never thought it would hurt that much. I never felt love so how would I know? Then I experienced it. I don't think I'll ever risk again. I can't afford to risk again. 

I turned my camera off and packed my things. Maybe I just have to live with the thought that I'll never find the kind of love that I need. I have so much love for people. And I don't love them so they'd love me back. I love them because I just do. Silly how I have so much love to give when I never even received it, right?

But it's not always to love to be loved. Sometimes, it's to love just because. To love to just love. To love and just do that. To love and not expect something in return.

I got my tote bag and left the park. I have to study tonight because it's Wednesday tomorrow and it's going to be a long day for me.