Mix Tapes for Ryan (Ryden)

August 30, 2014

It's been almost three months since you left me Ryan. It's been hard, but I guess I'm getting by.

Jon stopped by last month. He's a nice guy, I don't know why you never introduced me to him.

I also met your dad... he thought I was the one who gave you... you know. He kept yelling at me, saying how I killed his son. Like I could ever hurt you. Moral of the story, the guy terrifies me.

On that note, I'm doing this because I miss you. A lot. I guess it feels like you're still here when I talk to you. So every week, more or less, I'm going to just talk to you. Wether you can hear me or not.

Shit, I'm crying now. I still do that. Cry. You'd think after so much of it, I wouldn't be able to produce tears anymore, but nope. Every night. When I lay down in our bed and you're not there...

Every. Damn. Time.

By the way, happy birthday Ryro.

•••

September 2, 2014

Hey Ry, today's Spencer's birthday. We all went bowling. You would've been proud of me. I actually talked to people.

There was this guy there that kept looking at me. It was weird.

Oh! Did you ever meet Patrick's boyfriend? Pete? He's hilarious... and he really helped me. He told me he lost a close friend of his and he told me what he did to get better.

You'll never guess who I saw at your grave the other day.

Adam.

I told him to leave. He did. I think he realizes it was his fault and now he feels guilty. I will never not hate him.

If it wasn't for him then.... Shit. I gotta go. I'm crying again. I love you Ryan.

•••

September 18, 2014

I'm sorry it's been so long Ryan. I met someone.

It was that guy I saw at the bowling alley a few weeks ago. His name is Dallon. I think you'd like him.

He kinda reminds me of you in away. He's really quiet and polite. I mean, he'll never be you, but maybe he'll help me.

I really hope he does.

I haven't cried in days. That's good right? I miss you though. So much. And just know that no matter what happens you'll always be the love of my life. No one will compare to you.

Goodbye for now.

•••

September 27, 2014

Dallon came over last night and found a picture of you. He got really mad, but then I sat him down and told him what happened.

I started crying and he just held me. Kinda like how I used to do to you.

I cried even harder then.

I think he felt really bad after that. He made me hot chocolate. Then he told me something...

Something I thought I'd hear again.

He told me he loved me.

I told him I loved him too. I don't really know if I meant it. Hell, I don't even know if he meant it. He might've just said it to make up for everything else.

God I just... Talking about you... It really tore me up. I'm back to square one again. You're probably going to hate me for this but... I really want to die Ryan.

•••

October 15, 2014

I'm so sorry. It's been far too long.

Dallon caught me trying to.... Nevermind. I guess I'm okay now. Dallon decided he was going to stay with me though... cause he's worried.

He's at his place getting clothes so I'm trying to make this quick.

I'll see you soon Ryan.

I love you.

•••

October 25, 2014

I did it Ryan. There's no turning back now. And honestly, I feel at peace... cause I know... I get to see you again.

I know you're not gonna be too happy when you find out what I did, but I had to see you Ryan. God, Dallon's gonna be devastated.

He's just going to have to understand.

This probably wasn't the best way to go... I feel really sick and shaky. But it's going to be worth it. I know it will.

I love you a lot Ryan.

Ugh... I feel like I'm gonna puke. But I have to look good for when I see you again. As if you and I haven't seen each other on our worst days.

I know this is how it's supposed to be. I know I have to see you again. I... Shit... My head hurts so bad. I just wanna sleep... Maybe if I sleep I'll...

•••

November 10, 2014

Is this thing on? Dammit. Leave it to Brendon to make a shit ton of tapes for you Ryan. Well, it's Spencer, if you didn't know.

I listened to all the tapes and thought it'd only be right if a finished the last tape. Who knows, maybe you already know what's happened. Maybe you're already with him again.

Brendon... he um... he's gone. He killed himself. Over dose to be exact. Sorry I'm only just now doing this... It took us a while to decide when would be a good time to start going through his things.

Oh, um, Dallon... he wants to say something. Here he is.

Hello Ryan. I um... I never knew you, but the way everyone talked about you... you must've be amazing. Brendon really loved you. I knew he'd never feel the same way about me, but I'd hope.

I almost resented you.

But I understand now how much you meant to him. I can't I didn't wish he'd gone about things differently, but I know it would've come to this wether he'd met me or not.

I just hope that he found you up there.

•••

"I've miss you so much." I whisper, hugging the body that is grown so familiar to. He sounded the same. He felt the same. He even smelled the same.

"The feelings mutual. You know, I'm not gonna let you get away with what you did so easily."

"But I will because you love me." The boy just chuckles and places a soft kiss on my cheek.

"Yeah. Yeah I do."

"So I'm home now?"

"I guess you are." Then after months and months of waiting, I finally got to feel those same soft lips on mine again.

"I love you Ryan. Now I don't ever have to leave you again."