my jewel ; junhao

i n t r o ; jun

Jun's POV

I don't think my soulmate will like me. I tease those I like and I often take it too far. I can't help it, though. I guess it's my way of ensuring I won't be hurt. I won't be hurt because I'll be the one hurting them. That sounds like a shitty poem or something stitched on a pillow. I've tried to be nice to those I fancy, but that makes others think I'm up to something. I learned this about myself before I received my Jewel, thank God.

Since my teasing can get out of hand, I've stopped talking to the one I love. I used to tutor them all the time, but I noticed that when I teased him he would sulk. This made me feel bad. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I don't want to say something that could potentially upset my love. I never want to hurt the one I love, be it on purpose or an accident. I'd rather die. But maybe that's too extreme.

I've always been kind of extreme with love. In my lifetime, I've fallen in love a total of three times. The first was from the age of six to seven. I spent all my time pining after a beautiful girl. Well, I thought she was beautiful; she was smart and nice and had big, oversized glasses that would often slide down her face. I remember wanting to push them up her nose. Instead, I teased her for her large glasses.

I wish I hadn't because others would bully her for her looks. I now understand that me teasing her along with all of our other classmates must've been damaging. That upsets me. When I told her I liked her, she thought it was a joke and became angry with me. She yelled at me in front of everyone in the class and said that just because I was pretty I didn't have the right to tease others for their own looks. She moved the next year. Quite a dramatic tale of love for some first graders.

The second time of love was much shorter, from my last few months of being eight to the first month of being nine. The person I liked is actually a good friend of mine now and I still love him, though it's not romantic anymore. His name is Soonyoung and we go to school together. He's super funny and always makes me laugh. I think I mistook my happiness for love. I thought I had a crush on him but really, I just admired him and thought he was cool. I guess this "love" doesn't really count.

I'm currently in love. My love is also Chinese and he does martial arts, though he is far more advanced than me. He is quite skinny, which worries me at times. He is innocent and kind to everyone, though some could rightfully call him "savage". I've only known of my love for a bit. My love is younger and in a different grade than me so I rarely see them now. I would always see them when I tutored him.

My love isn't the best at school and he needed help with his studies. My younger friend, Mingyu, told me this because he knew of my feelings for him. That is the last time I will tell him of any romantic feelings I have. I remember the first time I talked to him. I was so awkward. I said, "Hey, I heard you needed a tutor?" He looked so cute. My love is truly adorable.

I tutored him for a year before I ended it. Looking back on it, I can't even remember why I wanted to stop. Maybe it was because the pain of being so close to him yet not being able to give him my love and affection was too much. What a stupid reason. When I told him I wouldn't tutor him anymore he looked like he would cry. He even ran out of the classroom, probably going to the bathroom or somewhere more private. Were you sadder than me in that time? I'm sorry. I wish I was wiser back then.

We don't talk now. I should've just told him how I felt. I should have told him how in love I was with him. Being in love is one of the best and worst feelings I have ever experienced. It takes all of the energy out of you only to replace it with more and repeating the cycle over and over. It's quite tiring, loving someone.

The person I'm in love with doesn't know I love them. They probably think I hate them. I don't hate you, love. As I think about it, I've never told anyone who I love. I might tell them who I like, but never love. When I told Mingyu, my love wasn't really love; he was simply my crush who I had seen a few times before and thought was cute.

    I would feel embarrassed if anyone found out who I love. Not because of the person I love, I could never be bashful for loving someone such as them, but rather because I'm a quite popular person in my school. Being popular means that within at most a week everyone will know who I like. Since I'm popular, my love could be mistreated or there would be rumors spread about us.

    I wish I wasn't popular. I wish I didn't draw so much attention. I would always be teased by other boys for being so pretty and handsome. I'm always popular for my looks and athleticism, though I'm only confident in my looks. After all, my face is the only good quality I possess.

The person I love has never shown their Jewel to anyone. There's been talk that their Jewel isn't on their chest so it makes it easier to hide it. It makes me sad not knowing if we're soulmates or not, but also relieved. I may not know if we're soulmates, but I don't know that we aren't soulmates. At least I can have some hope. The thing that upsets me most is that I have no idea what their Jewel could possibly be like. I hate not knowing.

My soulmate has probably seen my Jewel countless times; I usually wear lower cut shirts because I get warm easily. Mine is a dark navy blue with a a soft purple center, the colors blending together seamlessly. My Jewel has a mysterious aura, which I feel reflects the impression people first get from me. I have sharp eyes which make me seem dark and arcane. My face doesn't reflect who I am at all, not in my opinion. I've always been quite lively and energetic, an optimistic and silly person who loves joking around. As we've established, I can often joke too much.

My love is the opposite of me, however. They aren't very talkative and are much more reserved than I. Maybe that's what I want in a soulmate. An opposite. Someone to balance me out, someone to complete my yang with their yin. My love would certainly do that. My love is precious. Am I as precious to my love as they are to me? That is my dream. He is my dream. I hope my dream comes true.

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I should read and write more Junhao.