Oops! Ang larawang ito ay hindi sumusunod sa aming mga alituntunin sa nilalaman. Upang magpatuloy sa pag-publish, subukan itong alisin o mag-upload ng bago.
Disclaimer:
I'm not a fan of vampire and werewolf stories. I watched more than a couple of films, but to my recollection, I only read one book in my entire life. Anything written here is based on my impression as a reader. Any criticisms expressed or suggestions given are based on my perspective as a writer in general.
A. OPENING
Prologue
I noticed that the prologue was revised when I'd read it again. My observation will then be based on the latest edited version. Otherwise, this critique will be moot because the issues I will raise are no longer there.
The first paragraph is now easier to understand. The information contained in each sentence is clearly conveyed. As I read through, I encountered some changes which made the narration better, but I find the others unnecessary.
Example (see underlined phrases/ sentences in the image shown below):
Oops! Ang larawang ito ay hindi sumusunod sa aming mga alituntunin sa nilalaman. Upang magpatuloy sa pag-publish, subukan itong alisin o mag-upload ng bago.
➡Suggestion: Replace the first underlined sentence with an action tag and think of an action that will make a smooth transition to the next paragraph. Note that Dr. Hunt wasn't standing next to Vernice when she said that dialogue.
➡The next underlined phrase is also wordy. Simply say:
Itinurok nito ang karayom sa kaniyang leeg hanggang sa maubos ang laman niyon.
➡Restructure also the sentences underlined in red to make the message clearer.
Suggestion:
Gumapang ang nakapapasong init na animo'y mumunting boltahe ng kuryente sa bawat himaymay ng kaniyang kalamnan. Nanginig ang buong katawan niya. Para siyang sinisilaban sa ibabaw ng isang pugon.
