Inside the Quiet Ones Mind

Cut

I was looking through some of my old pictures and found one of myself a few years ago. Oh boy do I remember this time in my dreadful life-I was the classic fat emo kid. I looked like a boy with bad acne and burnt hair-not a good look on anybody haha.
Anyways, I kept inspecting the image-mostly just picking out the flaws I used to have and comparing them to how I am now actually, and then I saw my wrists. Well not exactly wrists up close, but what was around them-rubber bands. I remember my sleepless nights that I'd spend snapping away, letting the rubber whip my lacerated wrists as I silently cried into my pillow; I was hurting and couldn't say anything about it.
Now I don't want to say everything in my life was bad, my life has been pretty pleasant if I avoid all of the unpleasant moments. But at that time, at that moment, one person affected me and forever changed who I was.
I looked at those rubber bands in that picture, shame, guilt, and regret filling up in my chest-but strangely a sense of gratitude? If none of those things happened, I wouldn't be who I am today but...I feel a longing in my heart strangely...seeing that person I used to be...and seeing how I've become now...almost as if I miss the pain..? There's no way I want to relapse sometimes...punching walls obviously still hurts me-I'm a sensitive person, but it's a whole other story when you're cutting. You cut because of the pain, because you can't help it-I cut because of my looks, I cut because of my relationship, I cut because of my family, I cut because of the rejection they threw upon me; I needed an escape.
At times it still does feel as if I'm drowning, sinking back down into that pit of depression and wanting to relapse with that blade, or with these two fingers being shoved into my mouth-but the strong chains that keep me tied safely to the shore hold me back. My lovely's jokes, laughter and special moments we share with one another keep me happy-my best friends happiness keeps me happy-my grandmothers slowly recovering health keeps me tied tightly-my uncles kindness-my cousins acceptance-my trusting Coach and teacher-my resources, the ones I love are what are keeping me from sinking into this dark abyss again.
The love that is slowly oozing into my life despite the obstacles it faces at times is keeping me human and avoiding that numbness we all feel sometimes...they're unknowingly keeping me safe and close to the shore...