12:30 AM

Ch. 1

-Joshua-

I woke to the sound of raindrops pit-pattering our small windows. Haha... All I hear are raindrops, falling on the rooftop, I think. How long has it really been since I performed that song alongside a small, dimly lit stage with Woozi? Too long, but maybe that's for the best. 

I roll over, spinning the alarm clock to face me. 12:17 AM. I blink the weariness out of my eyes and prop my arm to get up in a sitting position. My throat felt dry and tired from yesterday's exhausting recording. Woozi wasn't satisfied with my voice at all, making me stay there for 2 hours singing. Every time I tried to follow his advice, his heavy sigh and small coughs would discourage me even further. 

I fumbled the counter, finding my mug. It was one of my most prized possessions, a beautifully crafted porcelain cup. My mother had given it to me before my departure for South Korea, keeping a piece of her with me. When Seokmin knocked it over and chipped the bottom a slight bit, I had been so scared I fell into seclusion for three days and refused to talk to anybody. Seungkwan had felt bad for me so he took time to superglue the chipped off piece back on just as it was before. I know the other members want to make fun of me for prizing a mug so strongly, but they also understand that I miss my family and that this mug holds a part of them.

I reached for some chocolate in our cupboard and plunked it in my cup. Filling the kettle with water, I sat down on our sofa to wait for it to boil. 

"Broooo get off me", I heard the blankets mutter. Startled, I jumped up and murmured a "Sorry" to the sleeping Hansol. Living with 13 members was an adventure in itself sometimes. 

I sat down on our dinner table chairs that were rarely used and rested my head on the table, thinking. How far we've come since our simple predebut days. Looking back at our 'Shining Diamond' photo shoots made me chuckle softly at the cringe of our edgy, dark makeup and premature faces. 

I blinked, trying to shake the sleepiness out of my eyes. The kettle ticked, signaling 3 more minutes. I let my body relax under the cool surface of the table and the soft ticking of the clock. 

Our newest song, Clap. A huge success, almost reaching 20 million views on YouTube. I should be happy, but why am I not? 

Oh, right. It's because you have no lines. 

No room for complaints, though. During the song organization session you had chances to speak up, but you didn't (as usual). It's better this way, was all you could think to yourself . You always got the least lines in songs, but it wasn't up for discussion. 

The one time you spoke up, you got a whole song to yourself, which turned out to be a huge success. Drop, drop drop it. The company refused to promote it much or to perform it live. But you got your own song! So no complaints.

Sometimes, I wished for more. More lines, more screen time. But speaking up really wasn't an option. I wasn't that type of person, will never be. 

Gentleman. I laughed at my nickname that was given to me by the fans and the members. Gentleman Joshua... if they only knew what I really was. 

I stood up, ready to take the boiling kettle to pour over the chocolate. Hot chocolate was always one of my favorite drinks, a calming beverage to the excess of thoughts at night. 

I looked at the clock, about to turn 12:30. Tomorrow was a busy schedule of thinking up ideas for the new comeback songs. Of course, it was unlikely I'd have any part in it, but I would still need to know what was going on to be ready for our performances. 

12:30 A.M. 12:30 A.M. 12:30 A.M. 12:30 A.M. 12:30 A.M.12:30 A.M.12:30 A.M.12:30 A.M. 

I fell down, clutching my head. What was wrong with me? I suddenly felt woozy and nauseous. I grabbed my chest. My heart was pounding at abnormal speeds. Was I dying? No. I didn't do anything. I need to get up. Get up and call for help... 

I was forced down to a kneel. Heavy breathing coursed through my lungs. I tried to scream out, but nothing left the throat said to produce a honey sweet voice. 

I felt myself being torn out, felt my innards twisted. I fell on my side, leaving my body with a heavy thud. 

The last thing I could hear were Vernon's heavy footsteps and then a tired, "Woah bro you okay?"