my heart is pounding and my lips aquiver as I think of what will happen next. how things will plan out and how our future will be. our laugh in unison is mellifluous now but in the future when we are busy and wrinkled up what will we think. ah might as well not think about the future now. i haven't felt home in a while. changes everywhere in myself,others,time and space give me hiraeth but if there was no home anywhere what was i missing. it was this: this feeling of my chest being pushed inside at night as my fears swallow me but also my joys and i think of everything at once. is it limerence if it isn't intense or maybe it's just crave. my supine face looks at the ceiling, the wall, scrolls social media and can't distract itself from these late night thoughts. but it's not solitude. this feeling is a longing feeling of apricating that i haven't felt in a while even when i am i'm fact basking in the sun. oh why you etheral soul decide to waste your youth in feels that will pass like the weather in a lonely future i think but at the same time woah what a convenient time to love your surroundings and the people you have surrounded with. this feeling is like trying to explain the taste of water. as much as i try to its impossible. there's always something comforting in knowing there are people there. at the end of the screen, at the end of the street, at the end of the room and if you're lucky enough at the end of the couch. but your commitment is a hardship that you won't fathom to invest in until you realize you have already and spiraled into this thing. it's warm but it's unknown it's cold but it's all you feel like when you bask in the sun and walk in the shade and feel cold again. no middle grounds but you have to experience to feel. you can interpret this any way you want. is it about love? or about loneliness? or just about the sun. or am i explaining friendship. inner mind struggles. what am i really trying to say? its interpretation. what is the sun. and how does it feel in your skin? does it feel like mine? do you think about how my skin feels bathing in the sun as my pale flesh shines golden? i wonder about everyone's. the melanin filled skin. the snowy skin touching sunlight as if it has been forever. all of them. are my thoughts the sun or a cloud. take a bath in the sun. do it naked,fully clothed, wearing your best outfit or looking straight out of a breakdown. how does your skin feel? there's something oddly relaxing and sleep inducing of it. i wonder who or what else makes me feel that way. people use shields and for me, you are the sun. and i bask in you waiting for a shield of relaxation.
