Ma Cherie

"The other night, dear
As I lay sleeping,
I dreamt I held you
in my arms..."

We all have our own fears. Each of us might be scared of the most bizarre things like ghosts, the supernatural, or something really normal like insects. Whatever it is, it does not change the fact that it can kill the happiness from within us and leave us to be a complete mess.

Remember when I barged into your room in the middle of the night? You were crying hysterically because of a nightmare. You said that your dog became a zombie then chased you, and I could not help but laugh. You got so mad you told your father about it. He reprimanded me in front of you but we both knew he was trying his best not to laugh, too.

Do you remember what he said?

"The only monsters you should be afraid of are those you don't know."

It would have made a great motto in life. However, your father failed to realize that there were a million things in this world that we never knew. And to be afraid of something we haven't known yet was plain disastrous. But I lived with it. For years.

Though maybe if I didn't, if I got afraid of the unknown, I would have been lying beside you on your bed. Telling you stories that you loved. Singing your favourite songs. We could be doing a lot of things right now, but I was the only one here. Day 98 and I was crouched beside your small bed, arms wrapped around me as tears after tears escaped my eyes.

"...But when I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
so I hung my head
and I cried..."

It was one of those nights when I could distinctly hear your voice over the radio. "Mom!" you called. A giggle was hinted on your voice. Like how you always sounded when we played hide-and-seek.

As soon as I heard your shout of my name, I bolted into your room. My hands were shaky, my feet toppled over each other, and I almost hit the door face first. With the rush of excitement over me, I opened the door.

I didn't see you on your bed nor under it, so I tiptoed towards the closet. With a chuckle of my own, I pulled it open. I didn't know what to expect. It was the same closet you've been using for years. The same colour-coded garments, the pink hangers, and the toy boxes behind all of it. It was identical to how it had always been

But as I fell down on my knees, my heart realized that you weren't there. And for the 129th day, I cried again.

"...You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
You make me happy
when skies are grey..."

Arms weaved around me and I was awoken. When I opened my eyes, sunlight seeped through your pink curtain and a smile automatically found its way to my lips. I hugged your arms on my waist and pulled you closer.

But then your father spoke. I didn't want to look back. I didn't want to prove myself wrong. I was afraid of the unknown.

Though, he was allowed to do as he willed. When he turned me around, I felt a bucket of ice spilt on me. Grey eyes instead of your familiar brown orbs met mine. My gut clenched in defeat and the waterworks started.

I didn't know what was happening anymore. Apparently, our own mind could betray us. It could do whatever it wants while you were imprisoned helplessly inside the cage of your own head. I wailed and screamed and found myself questioning Him.

Why did it have to happen? Why you? Have I sinned so much that God personally hated me? That He felt compelled to make me repent on my mistakes? I didn't know. I guess I would never know, and that fact alone made me sob harder.