Psychopath

A good reason to go?

My heart shattered into a million pieces as I sat outside on the cold floor.
While I was so shocked by what just happened I didn't realize my tears streaming down my cheeks.

I slowly wiped my tears away just to have new tears falling down. I cried my heart out, out of confusion, out of pain, out of so many things I wasn't able to count no more. What did just happen.....why? why Jimin. Why did you do that?

As I sat there I heard some footsteps behind the door, I realized that it must've been Jimin so I stood up and knocked weakly, hoping he'd open. "Jimin...please let me in.."

No response.

I had waited for about an hour for him to open the door...but he never did.
I wondered if there was any reason for me stay here, since he didn't even speak to me.

I wasn't really sad or disappointed about the fact, that he didn't let me enter the house. But instead I was hurt by him because he had acted like I was the one who did something wrong, like I was the one to blame for something I never did, like...he hated me. Even though he always said it would be the opposite and that he'd love me. But I guess those were just words without meanings to him.

So Jimin I wonder..

Was everything a lie?

Were you playing with me?

Did you ever want to change in the first place?

Why did you do this Jimin?

Why did you try to kill me just now?

While those thoughts flushed through my mind, I began to walk absentmindedly towards the gate. I didn't know where to go now...
I thought about going to Jia since Tae would probably still be mad about the fact that I stood up for Jimin when he talked bad about him.

But Jia was probably with Tae, so it made things harder for me.

I didn't really thought about going to my family before, because I didn't want Jimin to know where they lived. But know? Did it matter?
I felt like we were over...

I opened the gate slowly, I was freezing and I felt very weak...I just recovered from an incident that almost killed my baby. As much as I wanted to stay and wait for him to come back to me...I had to be selfish now...I had to think of my baby...I couldn't lose it.

And with my condition I was in now I wouldn't be able so save it.

I turned around towards the mansion once more, staring at the closed front door which seemed further and further away with every second I spend looking at it.

I will miss you Park Jimin.
Probably with every breath I'll take,
I will think of you Park Jimin.
Probably with every step I'll take.
I will cry for you Park Jimin.
Probably with every smile I'll fake
And I will love you Park Jimin.
Probably forever.

And with that...I left him.
But that's all in the past now...
Four years have passed by now already..
And here I am reading everything I wrote down in my diary over and over again...

There wasn't a day I didn't think of you or miss you. But I learned how to live without by my side.

You never came back and tried to look for me, nor did you ever try to see how I was doing..
How we were doing.

Yes. My baby made it. His name is Jae...
Park Jae.

It breaks my heart to know that he'll grow up without a father. And that he'll never witness what a father-son relationship would be like. But I'm trying my best to be both a mother as well as a father for him.