Day 1-
Ever since Gus went into hospital the only thing I've done is read.
I haven't slept since. Every phone call from his parents I think he's taken his last breath.
I've stopped using the word die. That's the only thing people think cancer kids do - die. I've decided to say turn out the lights.
I miss Gus. I can't go and visit him in hospital because I always end up crying and the only thing that can stop it is his smile. And the way his lips form the word.... Okay?
Day 2-
My phone rang at about 4:30am. I though Gus had finally turned out the lights. But no. He has slipped into a coma. I didn't react. He doesn't deserve this. I cannot deal with this pain.
Day 3-
Gus hasn't woken up. Yesterday I went to the hospital to see him. I spoke to him as if he was awake. His parents said while I was speaking his heart rate was increasing.
Day 20-
I know I've missed a lot of days. Since Gus has been in hospital my lungs have gotten worse. They kept me in for 17 days. I'm back to normal - if having crappy lungs is normal.
Day 21-
Gus is out of the coma. He told me to write a eulogy for his funeral. I will. I'll do it here.
My name is Hazel. Augustus Waters was the great star-crossed love of my life. Ours was an epic love story, and I won't be able to get more than a sentence into it without disappearing into a puddle of tears. Gus knew. Gus knows. I will not tell you our love story, because- like all real love stories- it will die with us, as it should. I'd hoped that he'd be eulogizing me, because there's no one I'd rather have...Okay, how not to cry. How am I- okay. Okay.
I can't talk about our love story, so I will talk about math. I am not a mathematician, but I know this: There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set.I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love,I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.
Day 22-
Gus may have to get his other leg cut off. He's getting worse. But his personality hasn't changed. He is exactly the same.
Day 26-
I've missed more days, my parents have been trying to prepare for the worst. I still don't have my fake id. I've been playing video games with Isaac. It's pretty boring because I can't see the game. Isaac is nice. But too nice. He still hasn't gotten over Monica. He's been trying to get me to help him sneak out the house to apologise for ruining her car. I would never do that. She is disgusting. I have nothing more to say about her.
Day 27-
Gus has come home. He still isn't better. He has stayed in bed. I'm going to see him tomorrow.
Day 28-
I am at Gus's house. He hasn't spoken as much as usual. Now all he does is read. Has I turned him into me?
Day 28.5-
It's Gus. Hazel has left her diary at my house. It's been interesting to see how she feels. But it's wrong. I'm not going to "turn out the lights" okay?
Day 29-
Okay. Gus is right. He isn't definitely going to "turn out the lights". I don't want him to. Is it true that cancer kids never have happy endings?
Day 31-
This is Gus again. This time it's hazel. She's in hospital. They are trying to get new lungs for her. They can't find any. She shouldn't be the one to "turn out the lights" first. I should. I'm going to write a letter to Van Houten. Even though I have lost all faith in him.
Day 32-
It's still Gus. Hazel is turning out the lights. I need to say goodbye. I can't. But I need too.
