The way I loved you....

Day 1 (Survival)

Dear Alex, today is the first day that I have to live like we were nothing but friends... If only you knew how much that hurts.

I woke up this morning after my third (failing) suicide attempt. 
I feel lost and so lonely...
I'm in so much pain that I am now completely numb.

Last night you asked and begged me to push down my feelings so you can be happy and get better.
Well there you have it Alex. I will be a full on Zombie for you. I won't feel joy or anger. All I will allow myself to feel is sadness.

This constant void, this mental and emotional pain will now become my home sweet home. Because yes, I love you enough to watch myself slowly disappear in the night with my shattered soul.
I know I was broken before I met you, but you were the only reason why I allowed my feelings back in in the first place.

I spent 6 years getting played and manipulated by my best friend.
I spent 6 years waiting one one guy that screwed me over  countless times and I feel like I got screwed over once again but this time by you. This 2 years of relationship all so you can leave for a 5 months, comeback after, date me for 3 months then leave me again and now this...

I hope that someday you realize the pain you've put me through. That "I'm sorry" isn't enough for the damages you made. Why keep me around for so long all to let me fall from so damn high knowing that I don't have my wings to fly anymore and that no one will be there to catch me as I fall.

I have a fever as I write you this letter...
It's probably due to the amount of pills I took last night. I'm having my third overdose or maybe or maybe it's my body trying to heal my left wrist that I slit hoping to die.

No one even knows how dead I feel Inside and this time you won't either because this time I will keep my mouth shut. I'm just a friend and you made that Chrystal clear last night.

You know Alex, you being "messed up" doesn't excuse the fact that you used me for sex 3 days before you asked to be just friends. You used me for your own pleasure and once again took my love for granted.

When we got together you promised not to hurt me, you promised not leaving me in the same state the other guys had left me in the past. And you're right you didn't leave me in a worse state. Because never in a 100 years did they get to see my vulnerable naked body.

I am now scarred, your name tattooed on my heard and the ink is my blood. But in the end Alex I don't regret that adventure we lived together. I just regret and hate myself for not being good enough for you.

This hate will be a real burden and it will follow me to the grave. But hey... it's okay right? I can handle anything you throw my way because I'm a tough cookie. I am strong enough to lose you and get played like that...

I showed you everything... I opened up my heart to you, I've let you touch and see my soul.  I showed the good, the bad, all of it... and you went ahead and saw it as an opportunity to "Have fun"...

But please tell me...  How is it fun to hurt someone who actually loved you?
How is it fun to watch someone bleed until the can't even breathe...? How is it fun to look straight into someone's eyes and watch their whole world burn down to the grown...?

You had the best of me Alex, I gave my all to you. I've never invested so much of myself in one person. Not even the guy that played me 6 years.  I was stupid and careless with my heart... I should of known better but I took a chance on Us.

I tried... but no... once again I've failed and I now have to watch you be happier without me. I have to put a play pretend face in order for you to find happiness once again and yes just so you know it will hurt me.  To be quite
honest with you it's destroying me.

I've never been stressed out so much in my entire life. But who cares right? Because when it comes to you my love was true...  You made me happy, but how stupid can I possibly be?!

No one in this world is this happy...
it's something that simply cannot be, this kind of happiness only happens in movies. You know, I'm stupid enough to still hope for a happy ending with you despite the pain you've put me through. Because that's just how much I love you....

I spent 4 hours on 1 drawing that was supposed to be yours, there was everything about and I couldn't help but rip it appart last buggy when you said "Let's just be friends"  In order to do that I must kill everything I feel.

I'm probably repeating myself because I don't know what to think anymore. To think I had planned my whole future around you... 2 years ahead of time..
I even looked up apartments because it how much I wanted us to work so desperately. I was ready to save so much money so I could live peacefully with you for a good 3 months before having to go back to work. I had planned so many dates in advance..

Maybe I just got ahead of myself... 
maybe I simply jinxed our whole relationship we had by being too excited to one day be in your arms for good. Maybe your mother was right Alex, Maybe we're just teenagers in love acting carelessly. Forgetting about the hard truth of reality. Maybe we were just a fantasy... maybe it was bad for me to want us to be just you and me.

All the things I've done out of love for you Alex, all so I can end up like this poor Harley Quinn... madly in love with someone that just won't quite notice me. Maybe once again this is my entire fault... maybe u should have stayed away.

I might as well start planning to travel this world because I have no reason to live anymore... everything I ever hoped for just vanished right in front of my eyes.
I get that you had issues but I have some too. I think you simply focussed on yourself more than anything because if you had care for me so much you wouldn't of have made me wait 5 months while spending time with her your "bestfriend"...

That's one more reason why I'm so broken... you pushed me away but you've let her in. You've let Er see the bad but you wouldn't let me. It's not okay... it's not okay for ne to be treated that way. But, I've let you because I thought that maybe that would make you stay.

Everything changed when I met you Alex. I just wanted to liv this life to the fullest, savour every seconds spent by your side...

I have felt everything for you... and all this time toy were never able to see how you feel about me... and I just want you to be happy even if that means without me... but don't play me like this.

I cannot stay and go at the same time... maybe after all these treats I'm simply damaged beyond repair... I live without hope and I can never seem to die... I love you more than I've ever live anyone but if you want me to survive this I gotta go... I need to let you go....

You were my first true love Alex and I wanted you more than anything to be my last. You gave me everything I've ever wanted, a love that is full of passion and you gave me adventure.

I can't live that way. I can't stand there and let myself die. It is beyond frustrating because no matter what I do, I can't have you...

My love for you was true... Despite the pain I'm in I still wish you thr best. I love you to infinity and beyond. (And everything past that)

Yours forever, xoxo Paris

Ps: This is the song I kept listening to lately... I know it was our songs and it destroys me but I can't help it....