The Wattpad Conspiracy [ON HOLD]

Chapter 1: The Idea

Username: NinjaBrad92

Story: The Chronicles of the Deaf and the Dumb.

Number of reads: 4,397,580

Number of votes: 5,001

Reason for imprisonment: Copyright Infringement.

Okay. Before I say anything I want you readers to know that this is a true story! This really happened to me! Well, here it goes:

My name is Bradley Monaghan. My mother used to tell me when I was a child to never use the lift, because you see the problem with me is that I have an extreme case of claustrophobia. I cannot stand being in a small room, let alone being in a room at all. But at the same time I am a computer freak so the arrangement does not work itself out very well, for a computer needs to be indoors unless it is a laptop.

And pray tell me how on earth would I find the money to buy me a bloody laptop?

So when I find myself chucked into a cell smaller than my bedroom by four times and a half, I go brutally nuts. “Let me the fuck outta here!” I shout and scream and moan and winge and every single word that invariably describes the fact that if I did not get out of this prison cell soon I was going to curl up and die. “I cannot stand it! Let me out of you here! It was not my fault!!”

Ok. I know what you are thinking right now, that this is the most cliché thing anybody can say when they are stuck in a jail cell with no more freedom than a dog. But in my case, I actually do mean it.

Alright, let me reverse the tapes a bit. But before I do that, let me just explain to you wattpad readers what this story is about. Let me tell you the story of how a story ruined my life.

Let me tell you how Wattpad put me in jail.

It all started a year ago. My friend Melissa and I were chatting happily away on facebook when I brought up the topic about books. So that is one thing you might learn about me: despite the fact that I am a complete computer freak and a nobody, I am also a bookworm.

I read too much books. (There goes the most obvious fucking comment I can add.) And through Melissa I came to know (her name really isn’t Melissa of course, but I do not want to land myself into even MORE trouble) about a website: The website that you are viewing this story on as we speak. (Or as you read.)

Wattpad (No shit!!) So when I realised what this website is about, It was in that moment that ideas crammed into my head at a speed of 3x10^8 (which is the speed of light, for all you non-schoolers). So these ideas shoved themselves up my ear-hole and I found the cogs turning in my mind.

My brain had arrived at the point where it was supposed to send a signal to my hnad to grab up a pencil and write the most random bullshit on a piece of paper that is technically called ‘brainstorming’. But of course, due to the fact that I am not a normal person I did not pick up a random pencil and write a list of pussyfarts. No. I opened Microsoft word and let my fingers due the random pussyfarting. I mean how outlandishly lame is that?

I mean, how fucking stupid was I? I was stupid. I was stupid, stupid, STEWpid.

(Okay talking about Stew, I’m hungry for some Family GUY!!)

Alright, back to the topic at hand. So I started writing what came to become as A Blind Man’s Song. (You can look for it on Wattpad if you really want to, but I warn you that you won’t find it there because it got deleted. How and why is why you are here reading this so be patient and read the fuck up! No hard feelings <3]

So here I was, proud and happy that I had created something in my life that had nothing to do computer games and levelling up. So here I was, and days passed until I posted another chapter. As I did so I began to realise that people were beginning to read it, and at frequent intervals of time;

And that my friend is what possessed me: the reads and the motherfucking votes. Why couldn’t I stay the fuck away? Why?

But no. I continued writing and writing and writing and as the months went by, so did the number of votes and reads and comments and likes and fans and posts and friends and covers and fuck-a-doodle-doo!

And as I sat there upon my highly uncomfortable chair beside my desk which held my computer, an idea flitted through my mind, the shadow of an idea, like a spider, crawling its way through me with its leathery legs.

And that idea became the end of me. The very goddamn end of me. Let me warn you again. I am posting this so that you can learn from my mistakes! Do not EVER do what I did. NEVER. Especially if you don’t have parents.

Trust me, and listen carefully at this one. IF YOU ARE CLAUSTROPHOBIC, THEN CLOSE THIS MOTHERFUCKER OF A STORY THIS INSTANT. YOU HEARD ME?

Okay I am severely glad to have that message across. Anyhow back to the topic at hand, this idea consumed me, and I told myself NO. BRAD, NO!

But when does logic beat inception? I mean did Leonardo Dicaprio say no? Despite the fact that he almost got stuck in limbo and that none of that ever happened to him because he was acting the role as the character in the movie and was not actually stuck anywhere or in any dream within a dream. Okay I am gonna shut a couple of fucks up now.

So, that bloody idea passed through my mind, and then do you want to know what I did?

I cheated the system.

I cheated Wattpad.

I started The Wattpad Conspiracy.