Still Here

"Bakit tayo palaging wrong timing?" I blurt out as we are seated in the field in school, relaxing after our tiring practices. It's past 9PM and the campus is pretty quiet. I didn't really mean to ask, it was just something I've been thinking about a lot recently and I guess the words just came out before I realized what I said.

I immediately turn to him to try to take it back or joke about it, only to find him staring into the distance. I could tell from the set of his jaw and the intensity in his eyes that he's thinking. I'm not sure we're ready to talk about it so I try to make a joke. "Huy. About what I asked... Uhm. I didn't mean to ask it." He turns to me sharply and I let out a nervous cough before forcing myself to continue. "Well, I meant it kasi I've been thinking about it for a while na, pero not now sana kasi parang hindi pa tayo ready. Eh since I said it na..." I try a singsong voice and nudge him playfully. "Summarize your answer na lang? One page, double space, ganyan."

My attempt to make him less serious clearly fails as he sighs, deep and heavy, before turning to me. "Minsan, naiisip ko if we are just forcing this... whatever this is between us. What if wala naman pala talaga and we're just hurting ourselves and each other for nothing? What if... what if lahat ng nangyari ay warning signs pala ng universe 'tas tayo 'tong super dense or tanga or matigas ang ulo na 'di nakakagets na awat na?"

He starts fidgeting with the grass, pulling blades out one by one. I place a hand on his arm and slide it down to stop his restless fingers. "We keep missing each other," he continues, his voice as quiet as the night around us. "And I feel like a lot of it is my fault kasi ang kulit ko. I was forcing it and I scared you away kasi--"

"Huy, ano ba." I interrupt him, my hand still resting lightly on his fingers. "Stop deluding yourself into thinking it's your fault. If anything, baka it's me nga na mas at fault. Between the two of us, ikaw yung mas nag-effort talaga dati and ako yung stupid na nagmama--"

I stop talking when he chuckles. "Why are you laughing? There's nothing funny with what I said naman?" This guy is so frustrating sometimes. I start to pull my hand away but he moves first, reaching for my other hand and tucking both between his palms. His hands are warm, a little callused, familiar. This familiarity is making me feel things I'm not sure I want to feel right now, so I drop my head and stare at the grass between us.

I can't see his face but I know he's still smiling as he starts to talk. "I wasn't laughing kasi it's funny. I was laughing kasi narealize ko bigla na para pala tayong engot. We keep arguing about who has more responsibility over what happened. Ilang beses na tayong muntik mag-away talaga kasi gusto natin pareho na akuin yung blame."

"But I think it's my fault talaga," I insist, looking at him. "Not yours. Kasi you were the braver one. I think we both know naman there could really be something between us but you were the only one na brave enough to want to try, damn everything that would come our way. You believed talaga na we would get through anything basta magkasama tayo." He shakes his head, looking like he wants to say something.

"Let me finish muna?" I wait for him to agree before continuing. "I wanted to say 'yes' na talaga, but fear always stopped me. I was so afraid--of our pasts, how much we could hurt each other, what people would say... basta everything that could go wrong if naging tayo. And instead of being honest with you so we could have worked through it together, I bottled it all up. I ended up driving you away kasi I let all those fears get to me, pero you somehow kept coming back kahit tinataboy kita. When I finally succeeded and lumayo ka na talaga, ako naman 'tong super nahurt and gustong habulin ka. For a while, I was mad at you pa nga kasi after everything that happened nung time na yun--not just between us, as in lahat--it felt like you were rebuilding your life without me tapos mine naman was falling apart without you. From afar, I watched you work hard to find yourself again at naka-get over lang ako dun sa galit nung narealize kong I needed to do that for myself too. Nung ok na tayo pareho and started rebuilding our friendship, tsaka ko lang naisip na yung anger na yun was really me feeling hurt and mad at myself na dumagdag pa ako sa reasons why you had to go through all that in the first place." I take a deep breath. "Ayun."

"My turn na?" He asks, and I nod. "I was at fault kasi I should have respected when you said 'not yet.' Imbis na kulitin ka mag-'yes,' dapat inalam ko why you wanted us to wait. I kept trying to woo you with grand gestures na hindi ko naisip na we should have worked on the little things too, na you had your reasons bakit gusto mo muna maghintay. I lost focus on the long game and started doubting us. I think nakadagdag pa lahat ng nangyayari noon--at wala kang kasalanan dun ha, that's all on me. Kaya siguro instead na habulin ka nung naging mailap ka, I assumed agad na ayaw mo na sakin. I thought I wasn't worthy, wasn't good enough. I was so blinded by my hurt na basta lang ako lumayo na walang kahit anong pasabi. I didn't even think na lumaban pa. I just ran as far away as I could and ended up hurting the both of us more in the process. And I would like to say sorry for all of that."

He tilts his head so he can look me in the eye as he continues. "Pero since pinagpipilitan mong kasalanan mo and pinagpipilitan ko namang kasalanan ko, can we agree na lang na kasalanan natin pareho? I realize now na we both made mistakes and did things without us being on the same page... pero I think natuto naman tayo. I know super competitive nating dalawa na kahit palakihan ng kasalanan ay contest satin, pero pwede bang tie na lang tayo dito?"

When he put it that way, I couldn't help but laugh at us, too. "Fine. But I would like to say sorry also, for everything, and apology accepted. You're right, ang engot nga nating dalawa, 'no?"

He's grinning goofily at me now. "Engot 1 and Engot 2," he says. We stare at each other for a while before he squeezes my hands that are still enfolded in his. "So... narealize na nating pareho tayong engot. What now? Pa'no maging hindi engot?"

After everything that happened, after everything we went through, my heart glows warm knowing that it must mean something that we still find ourselves here, with each other. I twist my wrists to loosely lace our fingers together before answering. "Feeling ko... makakarating naman tayo dun. Siguro kaya tayo wala sa timing dati kasi we needed to grow up muna. Now... no more missing each other. Same page tayo, we go through this together."

"Together," he repeats. "We wait for our future pero we work for it too." He has a shy smile on his face but his voice is strong, determined.

We're silent for a long while, staring at the starry sky, when he gently squeezes my fingers. "So, ako--este, ito na ba ang bestest advance Valentine's gift na natanggap mo?" He asks with a smirk.

"Che!" I loosen our intertwined fingers to push him to the grass. "Get over yourself nga. Kala mo kung sinong gwapo," I say, rolling my eyes.

"Me getting over myself, walang problema yun." From his place on the grass, he tugs on my hand and pulls me down to lie on his chest. I feel him drop a kiss onto my hair before he continues. "Me getting over you, ibang usapan na yun."