nicotine tainted lips

repainting my photograph

they tell you to grieve,
to process,
to heal,
to conceal your heart for someone else new that could string along,
but?
grief
what is grief?
on my experience, grieving meant keeping in, bottling up. shut mouth. reddened eyes. shoving down feelings because you're supposed to be other people's support system. it meant crying in the car, hitting the steering wheel at 16, because i lost someone so dear to me, that it felt like air was caving into my chest producing a black hole for all my emotions, inhabilitating my lungs from breathing, my heart from beating.
grief meant to me that i had to walk behind two caskets, hold my head upwards hold my nona's hand whilst mine, had nothing but the shattered glass of my soul, sinking into my palms, with broken hopes and promises of partners that'd be there if they could.
grief was smoking my lungs rotten
before going into the memorial,
'cause it meant  that i could control my own death, though i couldn't stop theirs from happening.
grief was burying down my feelings,
for the sake of what we had. grief had been the last stage of what we had. i grieved it all,
the laughter, the tears, the fights, the knots in my stomach.
those pretty butterflies, were drowned with cheap alcohol. but their timing was off, they were hitting the ends of their lives after so much stomach acid burnt their wings.
so if you tell me grieve,
am i supposed to open up, or close down?
am i supposed to do it better this time around?
who's there to tell you, how to grief?
i'm still learning.
they also tell you to let fully go of someone before someone else occupies your heart, your thoughts, your life.
but what if,
what if it happens against your will?
what if someone is there, holding you up when you're letting go of it all? how wrong can that be when it feels like you're not alone? love doesn't necessarily means you've got romance. sometimes it's easy banter with your friends, sometimes it's in the form of a person telling you you've got this. that you deserve better than the pity and the misery.
what if i found solace in the arms of someone that didn't seek what i did? what if- what if i can't help but realize i had let her go before i even knew i had?
i am not letting myself down the fall too fast, i learned what i wanna be, who i wanna be, and what i want and deserve, though i can't help but feel the drawing lines of what's a polar opposite to who i am. what if i am looking for isn't my equal, but my opposite?
my grieving process is coming to an end, and though there's still some sadness left within me, i still feel hopeful. the new year is barely starting, and i've already broken my foot.
let's hope that's all it breaks in me on 2018, for my confidence and hopes quiver, but i stand a pretty good chance.