It's not seen. I'm broken. Shattered. I sat in my room doing nothing being a bum. No school. No job. Not anymore. I'm an adult and I'll do what I need to, but not for me really. I have something to reach for. Not glory. Not to be a great adult. I have to do this for someone else. I have to be stable on my own before I can be helpful. My dreams? My goals for me? Oh they're not what I'm focusing on. I won't be a hero. I can't be, but I can help.
I'm a bum. I'm lazy. I'm selfish. I'm clumsy. Angry. Oversensitive. Overweight. Underacheiving. Depressed. Anxious. Happiness is a secondary emotion. I need to keep up appearances. Put on that cracked mask. "Talk less, smile more". I won't let myself stay happy. the guilt! So much guilt. I waste space being a useless, weird, and very lonely girl. I'm afraid to be around people, but it doesn't matter. it's not about me.
I'm weird with love. Weird with things. Too many quirks. Not lovey dovey. I can't handle compliments. I hate cuddles and being too close to people (with exceptions). I don't kiss or really cuddle with my boyfriend even. I've conditioned myself to be isolated. Oh and the quirks.. so many. Even silverware I'm paticular with.
I'm content to say. I'll wait through life through this curse. I'll wait because it's not about me. I just distract myself until I don't need to. People say I'm cool. They say I'm awesome. I don't see it... I don't see it either when I'm told I look good. I just don't...
So many thought so many feelings. It's spinning. I'm breaking. I need to stop it, but I can't. I have to go on. I'll just listen to my music and wear my mask until I'm allowed to be okay. I smile and keep my problems quiet. I'm guilt ridden and selfish. I can't hurt anyone anymore. So I will go on.
