pandemonium and shattered glass hearts.

(please take note, this story may trigger self harm.)

Pandemonium and shattered glass hearts; chapter 1.

Pandemonium and shattered hearts, chapter 1. 

(opinions and promoting would be appreciated) derp. 

Introduction. 

12/6/2011 

Once was never enough, not for anything. But twice was often too much, for so many things. I guess that’s why I’m here right now, flying through what feels like a sea of broken glass. But I know it’s not, it’s just another nightmare. They were always the same, always ended the same, started the same way. It’s like an endless war, torn between wanting to wake myself up, and not wanting to ever wake up again. But no matter how fast I ran, the nightmares were faster, and hooked themselves in with razor sharp barbs. And the only way to remove those barbs is to cut yourself open, let the blood detach them…. 

Something banging bought me back to reality, my hands were shaking around the covers of the small book I was holding. My whole body seemed to be shaking, and I couldn’t control it. What I had just read was insane, it made me freeze all over. But I knew I couldn’t mention a thing, because this book wasnt mine. I slid it back between the bookcase and wall where I’d found it, and flopped down on my bed. It was late, almost 2am. But there was no sleep for me now, not until she came back. I let the tears fall, and the shudders take over my body. I stayed curled up in a fetal position, my brain going so fast it was almost as though it was on drugs. But then the door clicked shut, and the footsteps that tapped along the floor near my head calmed me down. That book I’d been reading? It belonged to my roommate, luce. 

I heard her silently crying, I knew she did it every night. With her blonde hair and aqua eyes, she was not the type of girl you’d expect to find such dark thoughts inside. She was beautiful, but she was lost. And all I ever thought about these days was saving her, she couldn’t drown in her nightmares. Soon her quiet sobs stopped, her breathing became even, and finally I could let myself fall into sleep. But when I did, all I saw was shattered glass and a sea of nightmares. 

Chapter 1, 

Luce’s pov. 

Tonight I am drowning, I can’t move. The air is thick, and it feels like my bones are filled with lead. It’s late, but I can’t sleep. And yet I can still find the strength to pull myself to the bathroom, run the bath-tub full of water hot enough to burn. I’m going down, and fast. And yet I can still find the motivation to drag the blades across my wrists, and let the hot water in. It doesn’t hurt these days, I’ve become immune to pain. To be honest I have no reason to feel like this, I have no excuse, no sob story. I have it all I guess, or so I keep being told. 

I’m blonde, I’m skinny, I’m pretty, I’m always the centre of attention. And maybe that’s exactly why I’m doing this. Soon the water surrounding me is tinged with red, and I can still feel the blood leak out with every pulse of my heart. I lay here for a while, just letting the water absorb the pain, and to try and sort myself out. It doesn’t work, so instead I get out, and expertly tape my cuts shut with the stash of bandaids I’ve managed to collect. Looking in the mirror disgusts me, even though I should like what I see. My eyes are clear, and my teeth straight, my hair curling gently down past my boobs. But then you move down, and see the black and blue stains that decorate the tops of my thighs. I hate how weak I’ve become. 

A few minutes later I’m dressed in my pajamas and I’ve managed to pull myself together. I’m becoming such a good actor these days. My roommate, that I’ve lived with exactly 2 weeks and yet can not even remember her name, is asleep on her bed. Guess I didn’t have to get if together at all. I don’t want to sleep, the nightmares will come again, and I can’t let that happen. Of course it does anyway, and before I know it I’m screaming and hands are shaking me. 

Jess’s pov. 

Screaming wakes me up, it’s a loud desperate scream, as though someone’s live depends on being heard. Its Luce, I can see her in the pale early morning light. She’s shaking, screaming and her sleeves have ridden up revealing band aids up her wrists. I feel so helpless, all I can do is shake her and try and wake her up. When she finally snaps awake her eyes are wide, staring, the pupils taking in the shape of my face. I don’t think she’s properly awake, but she’s stopped shaking. 

That is until she blinks a few times, and starts to sob. Her body is shaking under my hands, and each sob shakes my body. It’s as though she’s not aware of who I am, she still seems to be in a trance. She sobs for about a minute before breathing in deeply and sitting up with a start. She pushes me aside, and sprints out of the room towards our shared bathroom. The door slams behind her and suddenly im alone. I’ve never actually felt so lonely, so rejected.

But the thing is, Luce is driving me crazy. I want to know more. Instead I give up all hope and go back to bed, pulling the cover over my head. It’s not until wetness pools on my nose that I realize I’m crying.