Sugar, Spice and Everything Slides

Suicidal Star

We both lie down comfortably on the grass. In the unusual silence, my mind is almost blank--unlike his. There's something bothering him that I can hear him sighing for the nth time now.

After that little (big, for them) episode of mine last month, he is always right beside me most of the time, but he is detached. Like, he's figuring out something. Something that has to do with me.

He's rubbing my palm with his finger and I can feel that he is trying to avoid my wrist. He is trying to erase that memory by not touching the scar I made .

He thinks I'm too fragile--that I'm too weak to avoid the bullet he'll trigger. But no. Not that I'm strong, it's because I'm already used to it.

I should feel offended. But I don't feel anything.

Suddenly, he spoke using that deep husky voice like he just woken up. 

"Another starless night for us, huh?" 

My brows furrowed in confusion as I give him my attention.

 "What do you mean?"

"It's a starless night for us again" he replied.

"What, you're star-blind now? Can't you see the stars up there, watching and rolling their eyes at you?"

He slightly smiled as if he's so done with my sarcasm.

"You don't understand," he mumbled.

He sounded like me. I almost hear my voice while saying those three words whenever they say, "It's all in your head. Don't hurt yourself."

But unlike me, he explained.

"You see, I'm gazing at the stars every time we're together, even if it's morning. Just like this, I'm looking at your eyes-- my stars right now."

I turn to look at him and I met his intense jet black eyes. He's looking-- staring at me like he's saddened on what he's seeing. Though I know it's not pity. I knew better. He's just missing something.. or someone.

"Your eyes-- since that night. Since.. since you..." I saw that his adam's apple moved, as if he swallowed something, "Your eyes were so empty, so blank. Your eyes were blacker than before.. There's an absence even though you're physically present. Your eyes lost its glitters. The shine and gleam whenever I talk to you-- it's all... gone.

Except for the twinkle. I still can see the twinkle in your eyes, but unlike before, it twinkles because of the tears you cry every night with or without me by your side. But tonight, your eyes are on the darkest version of it..."

"So you called this night a starless one," I finished, feeling suddenly flustered and gloomy.

After a minute of silence, he spoke again, "I think we should take a break."

Without even doubting, I found myself agreeing with him.

We need this.

"Don't get me wrong... I still love you. More than anything. But you need to fix yourself first. And besides..."

"You need fixing too. You messed yourself up without even noticing because you're too busy cleaning my mess. Look how deep your eye bags are," I said as I touched the bags under his eyes and slowly caressed his soft cheek.

He smiled and, for the first time, I smiled back.

"This isn't goodbye, you know," he mumbled.

"I know... I'm sorry, thank you... I love you," my voice quivered and tears slowly strolled down my cheek.

He took my hand and brought it to his lips. And down to my wrist, he kissed my scar.

"Remember this: If you're going to Black Nebula, I'll be going with you. Even if you wish we end up on different galaxies or end up being dead, I'll always love you.

And he did.
Even if he still don't understand me, he did.