I gazed at Patrick’s irresistible pink face. I pulled him close, and kissed his soft, supple lips…
“MEOW!” complained Gary, and reality returned. I dumped the disgusting slime into his bowl, and heaved a sigh. Here I was in all my glory- 29 years old, still single, and kissing a box of Snail-Po.
I sat down in my chair, and turned on the television.
“Perch Perkins here, reporting news in Bikini Bottom. A recent study suggests that if you love that special person from afar, keeping your feelings inside could lead to anxiety and depression. The best thing you can do is, well, tell a friend.”
That’s why I’ve been feeling so odd lately! I ran outside, and the first person I saw was my next door neighbor, Squidward. Definitely not my first choice, but I knew if I didn’t tell him, I wouldn’t tell anyone.
“Squidward!” I called. He looked up from his garden, and upon seeing my face, he looked down again.
“Squidward, I have a secret to tell you.”
“A secret secret?” He asked, suddenly interested. He disliked chatting with me, but he did love secrets.
I walked to him, my stomach churning uncertainly. I sucked in a breath, cupped my hands around his ear, and told him.
“Ha ha ha! Spongebob’s got a faggy crush!” Squidward was crazy with laughter. “But seriously, Spongebob. Gay’s not okay.”
I was shaking, and a flood of tears gushed out to the ground. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just be normal?
Squidward turned back to his garden, singing, “The thought of you burning in hell, it keeps me wa-a-arm, it keeps me wa-a-arm!”
I ran back to my house, ashamed. I hated myself.
“Spongebob!” I recognized Sandy’s voice. “It’s been three days- I know you’re in there!”
I got up from my pile of misery and self- hatred to answer the door.
“Spongebob,” she said, sitting down on my blue and green couch, “I know something’s wrong.”
I was tempted to tell her everything, but I knew it wasn’t for the best.
“No, I’m fine.”
“Aww, SpongeBrain! Tell me!”
I told her- everything. I expected her to blow up in my face like Squidward, but she just smiled and handed me a business card. It read: Bikini Bottom Homosexuals Association. Meetings every Saturday at Sandy’s Tree Dome.
“Are you gay?” I asked, confused.
“Yes, Spongebob. Would you like to come tonight?”
“Yeah!”
The evening spun by. It was empowering to see so many people who were gay, like me, and still happy and proud! They gave me advice about Patrick, and I was ready to talk to him.
The next morning, I knocked on Patrick’s rock, and he came out, looking tired.
“Patrick, I have something to ask you. Would you like to go on a date?”
A month later, Patrick moved into my place. We were madly in love, and not afraid to tell the world.
“What do you think we should put on the pride parade sign?” Patrick asked.
“How about,” I said, remembering Squidward's words, “ ‘Gay’s not okay- it’s fabulous!’ “
“Perfect!” exclaimed Patrick. We kissed right in front of Gary’s food bowl, this time for real.
Things were looking up.
