What You May Not Know

As she sat in her room she feels nothing.

She's wishing to feel something other than emptiness and sadness. All she can think is 'everyone dies, it's only a matter of when. So why not now.'

She has stopped caring. Sports are dumb as are school, friends, family. She has almost stopped eating, she just doesn't care. The hunger in her stomach is too easy to ignore.

She just wants to cease to exist. Life is too tiring with too much pressure, just like the pressure on her chest constantly there, making it hard to breathe and think straight.

She draws so she doesn't cut, knowing others will see the scars and blood. She imagines it is a knife slicing through her skin, not a pencil barely making a mark.

Music and books are her lifeline. She can't get enough of it. She wants to just get lost in the lyrics and forget reality. She needs to go to a different life in between the pages of her books, and forget herself.

She can only remember how to fake a smile, laugh, excitement. She doesn't remember what it feels like to be happy. She has perfected a facade, and she only lets it down behind the closed door of her room.

No one suspects a thing. Her friends think she is naturally happy. Her parents think she is naturally respectful. Her teachers think she is naturally a smart student. Her coaches think she's naturally talented. Her heart thinks she is done.

Sometimes those in plain sight are those that hurt the most. Because I am am just a 'phase' that passes. I'm a disease that will always have to be fought every day and I kill people just as well as cancer.

Eventually the pain, pressure, tiredness, sadness, just gets too much. Sometimes that pencil turns into a knife. And that knife turns into a gun.

Sometimes silence is them shouting for help. Because eventually the facade will drop, and they will stop caring about surviving another day.

And it will be too late.

They are already gone.

I'm not a joke. Even the smallest comments of loser or idiot, even if it's all in good fun, can hurt more than the words people say and are meant to hurt. Because those small words are coming from those who are your friends, and if you can't trust them, who can you trust?

Be careful of what you say to others. One word can change a life. Or take a life. I will always be there to change and take lives.

Sincerely,
Depression