Loki’s Life
Chapter 1- The Sad Truth
So, it all began on a sunny day when Odin elected me the president of Asgard. No, just kidding, it wasn’t sunny and I didn’t get elected for president (other than in my dreams), although I almost did. Sort of...
But that’s not the point. So, the first thing I’ll tell you, is that the whole reason everyone thinks I’m a villain is because I stole Freya and Thor’s lunch money.
3 Days Earlier
I was having a delightful picnic that consisted of Shawarma, Sushi, and Schnitzels (which I got from a single place: Tyr’s Shawarma Hut!) Anyway, I bought it with Thor and Freya’s lunch money which as I said I stole earlier about 17 minutes, 43 seconds, and 84 milliseconds ago. And yes, I counted! I mean, big deal Thor! Just go and ask Odin for one of his 2,819,647 Shimmering Gold Scepters and sell it on EBay for like $4000!
But no! Freya and Thor were determined to get the money they got on all their ‘heroic’ deeds. I was feasting on my third box of California Rolls when suddenly, thunder arched across the sky. Then, I saw Thor, Freya, and a whole bunch of other Valkyries riding on a Pink flying convertible.
“How dare you steal our lunch money?” Thor bellowed, his hammer glowing pink, purple, blue, and green simultaneously. “Wou-would you like some Shawarma?” I stammered, afraid of Thor and Freya’s power combined. “Okay!” Freya yodeled cheerily. But as I handed the platter to Freya, Thor stopped me. “Don’t eat that!” Thor commanded Freya, glancing suspiciously at the dish. “Aww, but I’m soooooooooo hungry!” Freya complained desperately, gazing hungrily at the plate. “Can I at least have some Sushi?” Freya pleaded, trying to compromise. “Okay, Okay, but be careful,” Thor said, giving up trying to stop Freya from eating the delicacies that lined my plate.
“Look,” I told him. “It’s not like I poisoned my own food or anything like that!” But to my dismay, Freya took a sip of her milkshake and doubled over! “What did you do, Loki?” Thor demanded angrily. Then, he kneeled down next to Freya. “What happened?” Thor asked Freya. She jumped up and knocked Thor away. “It was just a brain freeze. Gosh!” Freya answered bitterly, shoving him off her shoulder.
Thor grabbed a Schnitzel, took a god-size bite, and stomped off into the distance, wielding his pink hammer of doom at his side. “One grouchy guy,” Freya said dismissively, waving aside the fact that she was supposed to be mad at me. “I have to agree with that,” I responded. “Once when we were 5, he almost threw me off the rainbow bridge for stealing his pink marker.”
“Do you want to go to that new bar in downtown Asgard?” Freya asked. “The one with the frost giant slushies.” “Sure” I replied almost immediately. “But one question: is food all you think about?” I added, half joking. “Aww, Loki!” Freya laughed. She grabbed my arm and we jumped into the pink sparkly convertible.
“Hey Loki!” one of the Valkyries shouted with glee. “Can I drive, Freya?” One of the others asked. "Does this makeup make me look chubbier?" “Girls, calm down!” Freya ordered. Almost at once, everybody stopped talking. The whole world seemed silent. Even I had the urge not to talk, but of course, like every other sensible person, I didn’t trust my instincts.
“Hey Freya,” I said. “Would you like to_” As I was about to ask her, one of the Valkyries who had a name tag that I couldn’t even read (I think it said something like ç∂˙∆˙∂ƒç≈ƒ) came over and butted into our conversation, plopping down on a bean bag that somehow fit in the automobile. She had a picture of me. “Can you sign this?” She pleaded making what I call Fenrir eyes. Then I noticed a line of Valkaries carrying posters, pictures, bobble heads, and a bunch of other Loki merchandise that I didn’t even know existed. “Okay? I answered, confused. I went through about 50 different kinds of Loki merchandise, then collapsed and gave up.
“Sorry girls, maybe another day,” I told them, dizzy from seeing all the pictures and whatnot that I never thought I would have to see again. “Loki, we’re almost there!” Freya informed me. I’d almost forgot she was there. “You mean…you saw all those pictures?” I asked, embarrassed. “Yup!” she responded, laughing. “You were so cute when you were 5!” Freya complimented, changing the subject. “A bit blue in the face though!” she added cheerily. I laughed, not feeling so embarrassed anymore. Up ahead loomed the icy towers of downtown Asgard.
We had Ymir and his crews of Frost Giants come in and help with some architecture after the incident battle so called Ragnarok. I mean, he had a major in architecture in college so, you know! As we got closer, the lights of Asgard sped by. “Arriving in 5 minutes,” a Valkyries said, mimicking the voice of a GPS "What's even the point?" Freya asked, smirking at the Valkyrie who had just made an “announcement”.
I looked at her, confused, and she blushed. She had way too much eyeliner, and when I say way too much, I mean it! “We’re here, Loki!” Freya said. “Whee!” some of the Valkyries jumped out of the car and danced around like they were drunk. Maybe they were. Snow fell everywhere around us, at it looked like everything was covered in a soft, shimmering blanket.
Freya dislodged the car keys from a hole where the keyhole should’ve been, and it magically sealed, leaving only the shiny pink of the dashboard. With all the lights shining and sparkling around her, I’d never seen Freya so beautiful, but of coarse, just because I’m a ‘Villain’ everything had to be against me. Even slushies!
A Valkyrie waltzing around nearby slipped on the floor of the icy patio and spilled her pink lemonade frost giant slushie right into the middle of our conversation. Just like every other time I get close to a girl. “So, Freya,” I started. Wham! The tall glass of sugary slush slammed into me, knocking me senseless.
For the record. the only thing I’ve ever accomplished in life with a girl was Fenrir, my beastly half-wolf son who slobbers too much (Please don’t tell him I said that). What a pain! As I was saying, the frozen drink slammed into me, causing me to forget all my problems…and everything else. Seconds before the lights went out, Freya rushed to my side. “Loki, are you Okay?” And with that, all went black.
