Only a Lovers Pain will know

Love is my disease

love is the worst kind of disease

it kills you slowly

rotting from the inside out until there is nothing left but an empty cold shell of the person it once belonged to

Lost.

Those were the words he used to describe my eyes when I asked what do you see in them.

Whenever he would look at me i could see a knife stabbing him. Why are you sad I would ask?

Because it hurts me to see you in so much pain and there is nothing I can do. I feel helpless.

it pains me to see him in pain because of something he knows he can not fix. How can he? I am more than lost. I am dead inside, cold, empty and lost. Do not ask me how I reached this point because the story I will tell is one that will break your heart in the same way it broke mine.

I am more than lost. I am gone. It is weird when you are surprised by your own laugh because it sounds foreign to you. It is weird when the people around you are surpassed to see you smile. It is heart breaking when your own best friend is scared to call you because she is pained to hear about the pain you are in and there is nothing she can do.

Lost.

Why am I lost? Well the answer is simple how can I love someone so much that when they are gone you can't seem to see. 10 months. It has been 10 months since I have seen your face yet I still love you more than my will to breathe. Explain that to me how I can love someone so much that even after 10 months a day does not go by that I do not think about you, dream about you, I can;t sleep because I am not next to you. How is it humanly possible for someone to love someone so much they are lost? Everyday I ask myself why do I love you? What made me Love you? And why the fuck were you so special that I can't forget you? And I can't answer those questions. I have men begging me just to go on a date but I just want you. how does that work? You know every night before I go to bed I say a simple pray that broke my friends heart when he heard it. The same friend that begs me for your number so he can talk to you because he believes that if you guys talk it will somehow bring you back to me. The same friend who cries because he can not stand to see the sadness in my eyes because I am lost without you. The same friend how holds me when I cry and has seen my weakness and has heard me pray to god that next time i am in the hospital that i will just died and have it be my last. You know what I pray for every night before I sleep? Do you want to know the words that pierced hearts around the world? The prayer of a heart that can not be fix except by the one who broke it? Please Allah if you do not take my life in my sleep please make it so when I wake up I have missed calls and texts from him saying that he is here and he needs me as much as I need him. Please Allah I have lost my will I need you to help me in this life I have suffered enough I just want one thing.

You admit you love me and that we are supposed to be together. Yet you play this game with the one that you love, maybe just maybe you will wake up one day and need me as much as I need you. Because until you are drowning you will never understand my feelings, my love for you. And maybe when that day comes it will be to late, i will be gone and your heart will cry with my pain for once. Will you be able to stand that pain like I did day in and day out Ramu? Only then will time tell if your fake love that you are in was worth throwing away the real love. Fake has no feeling, Real will always been. Like you said I feel like I am with a stranger not someone I know. Someday you will regret your choice between the two because you are lost and confused. That is why you hurt us because you wanted to feel a touch of intimacy in New York. Because you were like a boy who just wanted his dick to be played with. Someday you will have to become a man and realize that you as you said I fucked up in your own words. Then you will be the one having sleepless nights because you can't forget our time together and just wishing you will wake up and see my name on your screen but it will be to late. I will be gone. Doctors gave me a time limit on this earth and my sadness made it shorter and you will look back and regret. Because love is time less sex is not. In my dreams you become a man who wants to settle down, be happy and comes back to hold me but in my reality that day may come to late. My love for you has changed me. Ask Jesci, Ask Yugarsi, ask anyone who cares and knows me. I am a completely different person than the girl you knew. it funny how love can change people. In all honesty I don't think you would recognize me. I am not the same and if you knew everything that happened since that day you to would not be. maybe that day when you wake up and follow your heart and clear your mind and decide just to see my face like you promised so much you will realize the pain. or maybe you will come to late. Who is to say only Allah knows. I just hope your not to late.