This is how it ends

LISTEN

I sink deep into my seat and glance at the empty place next to mine. The knot in my stomach recoils with every twist and turn of my mind.

Instead, it is another Monday. Life goes on. Meanwhile, next period is the last review for my AP U.S history midterm, and I haven't even touched my books. I can't shake the feeling that with every day that passes, I slip away like starlight at dawn.

At least history suits me. You already know if those stories will end happily.

Principal Trenton always speaks until ten sharp, leaving five minutes for announcements before the bell, and everyone has to run to make it into class on time for third period.

So everyone pushes to leave, then strolls, dawdles, sneaks out for a smoke and some air. After all, even nicotine and tar smell better than what my friend, Asha once described as our "odor-torium," a unique blend of testosterone, sweat, and burned coffee.

               ______________________

My back aches. I roll my shoulders to loosen the knotted muscles. I woke up drenched in sweat last night. Dad didn't even bother to get up.

He started — or never stopped — drinking last night. These days, he doesn't even try to hide it. When Mom was still alive, he only drank when she was away and only during darkest times. He still knew how to smile then. Now he's angry at the entire world, at anything that reminds him of Mom.

At me.

I don't know how to put all that into words. 'I'm not okay. I haven't been okay in a long time. It isn't just Mom's death. Dad — sometimes I'm afraid.'

They won't understand. No one does.

I'm counting down the minutes to seventh period, when the music room behind the stage is dark and deserted. In the shadows, I'll be alone.

I'll be safe.

Asha gives me a smile. "Good luck with your test." She calls, squeezing through the crowds. And she walks away. Everyone does in the end.

I take a step back and wait for the crowd to pass me. I have no friends here but Asha, no family but a brother who disappears on me and a father who despises me. Only dying keeps me alive. It will free me. And I can't let anything get in the way of that.