Finding Home

Chapter 10

I woke up in the dead silence drenched in my own tears. The soft sound of crickets humming outside my window.
I couldn't remember what had happened before I'd fallen asleep, bits of the evening were clear, but others were foggy and absent. I remember calling AJ and wanting to tell her about my day, but then she had news. Something about Ms. Lewis. What was it? Suddenly it felt like a whole section of my brain that have been slumbering soundly, abruptly jolted awake. AJ had blamed Mama. AJ had said that she was the one responsible for my current situation. I wouldn't believe her. I still don't. I'd gotten mad, madder than I should have. I'd hung up on her hitting my pillow in tears. More tears sprinkled down into my pillow at the thought. AJ and I hardly ever fight. I was ruining everything. Mama was gone, AJ was gone and I was stuck in the never-ending foster system. Everything good in my life had fallen off a tall cliff and was gone, lost, in the deep depths of a dark forest below. I couldn't believe I'd done all this. I lay there sobbing into my damp pillow for hours, hoping no one would hear me. I just needed to know that everything would be all right, that I would be all right.
I finally stumbled out of bed hours later and flipped on my bathroom light, the bright fluorescent bulb burning my eyes. My face was blotchy and puffed. The tears that had run down my cheeks had left large, dark circles, in bigger size than usual underneath my eyes. I turned on the tap and let the cool water run all over my hands. Then I leaned my face into the fresh water and allowed it to run down from my forehead to my chin. It washed away the night of tears and sadness. I dried my face and fell back onto my bed.

The warm sunlight greeted me from my deep sleep as I flickered my eyes open. The bright colour didn't dim my stormy mood. My insides felt like a gloomy day with a dark thunderstorm pounding on the walls of my body. I managed to crawl out of bed and begin searching for a change of clothes, but I didn't have any. Yesterday Lauren had brought up some clothes for me to wear, but none for today. I stood in the middle of my room, confused as to what to do next. I didn't think I could go down to breakfast in my borrowed light rose pyjamas. I was turning in circles trying to decide what to do, when there was a knock on my door. Lauren peeked her head around the slip in the cracked-open door.
"Good morning Anna. I hope you had a restful sleep. I brought-" she stopped, her face filling with concern as she took in my appearance. I was sure I looked horrible.
"Anna, are you alright? You look like you've been crying." My face was probably still blotchy from last night. I'm sure I looked like I'd been crying for days.
Lauren came in and set a pile of clothes on a small table located by the door. She came towards me and kneeled down in front of me. She took my hands and held them tightly with her own. It felt like she was keeping me from drifting away into a lost ocean, "Tough night?" She asked and I nodded, sighing deeply. Lauren pulled me into a gentle, easy embrace. A small smile appearing on my face. It felt good to be held. We pulled apart and Lauren studied me silently for a minutes before releasing my hands. She stood and handed me the pile of clothes and smiled, "Hey, would you like breakfast to be sent up here for you?"
"That will be amazing Lauren, thank you." I exhaled a large breath. The idea of going downstairs to the happy, bustling, loud dining room felt close to torture. Lauren smiled again and excused herself quietly. I fell back down onto my bed and breathed out loudly.

Minutes later I was sitting on top of my bed covered in blankets and propped up on pillows with several plates full of warm, toasty breakfast lying in front of me. It wasn't perfect, but it beat the dining room by quite a bit.
I spent almost the entire morning nibbling on the food and catching up on my book. It was comforting and relaxing to sit covered in warm blankets and get lost in a world where my only concern was with the characters.
Twenty minutes to lunch and began to get worried. I really didn't feel like leaving my little sanctuary. However, I didn't think I'd be allowed to stay in my room for another meal. I was about to waddle over to the washroom to battle my messy hair when I heard a knock at the door. I expected Lauren's head to poke around, but instead two smiling faces grinned back at me. They belonged to Meredith and Rebecca. I beckoned them in and cleared some space on my unmade bed.
"Hey" Meredith started, "Do you mind if we come in? We haven't seen you all morning and were wondering if you were alright. We asked Lauren where your room was, I hope you don't mind." I shook my head and response, not knowing what to say. I couldn't believe they had made an effort to find me. I couldn't believe they'd noticed my absence. They'd known me for not even a couple days. We all stood in silence before I was finally able to squeak out, "Thank you, um, please, you can sit down. I'm sorry the room is such a mess." My voice was timid and quiet, Meredith and Rebecca both smiled at one another and then each gave me a comforting hug which made a small part of me feel better. They both plopped down on the bed and I joined them. Once we were all comfortable, Rebecca opened, then closed her mouth, shyly. I could tell she was trying to figure out what to say. I had to say something.
"I'm okay, really, I just, um, had, uh, um, a, a..." I stumbled before finding my words, "A bit of a rough night." Mer gave me a shy smile, her face covered and empathy and understanding. "I know how you feel. My first week was hard too, I couldn't sleep and when I could, I got horrible nightmares."
I wondered, for the first time, about what Meredith and Rebecca had been through. Why were they here? What had happened to them? What were they going through right now?
Rebecca reached her arm out to me and placed it on mine. It was it comforting gesture and I was grateful for it. I took her hand, not knowing what to say. I felt like if I spoke, all the emotions and tears that had temporary escaped me, would come rushing back. I wasn't ready to face them yet. So I was overwhelmed with shock and gratitude when Rebecca opened her mouth to speak. Maybe if I could focus on something else I could hold back the tears for a little while longer.
"I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but if you want, I can tell you my, um, story, I guess. I know it's sometimes difficult your first couple nights and weeks here and sometimes it's nice to hear another story, possibly like yours." She smiled kindly at me. I knew what she was offering wasn't something easy for her. I wouldn't feel comfortable telling my story. "Oh, Rebecca, that's awfully nice of you, but I wouldn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. Please don't tell it if you don't want to." She nodded, "It's alright Anna, I've had to tell the story so many times, I don't mind. Besides I remember feeling so alone and lost when I first got into the foster system, getting the chance to hear someone else's story would've been amazing at the time."
She grabbed a pillow and hugged it to her chest. Meredith stretched out beside me, sighing. I leaned back on another pillow, getting comfy. Rebecca cleared her throat softly, and prepared to speak, "Well, about eight years ago, I think I would've been about seven years old, my Mom left me and my younger brother Josh. She said, after Josh, who had just been born, that she wasn't cut out to be a mother. She said it was just too hard. She would say over and over again for years before she had Josh how unfitting it was for her. She couldn't do it anymore and leaving seemed the only possible option."
My mind flashed back to the selected few times Mama would tell me about my Dad. How she said he couldn't do it. She'd told me that he'd always told her he wasn't cut out to be a father. My Dad and Rebecca's Mom sounded so similar. This whole time I thought I'd had the bad Dad, maybe a lot of other kids didn't have great parents either.
Rebecca continued, "So she left us as soon as she got out of the hospital after giving birth to Josh. I remember Dad bringing home my new baby brother and Mom wasn't with him. Dad had the incredible task of telling his seven year old daughter what had happened. I remember staying home from school for months after she left, taking care of a newborn baby because Dad had to work. We didn't have the money for a nanny or daycare. We didn't have money at all. But the worst part of it all was Dad. His wife had left him. He was absolutely heartbroken. He had loved her so much and shed abandoned him. I can't imagine how that feels. He was so sad. Beyond sad. He fell into, what doctors told me later, was a deep depression. I can remember him coming home every day after his three part time jobs and passing out on our couch for hours. I took over the role of mother and quickly learned how to cook, clean and take care of a baby. I spent all of my time taking up the role my Mother should have been there to fill. This went on for several months and I was lost in at all, which is why, as more doctors told me, I didn't notice."
For the first time after Rebecca had started talking, she paused. Curious, I opened my mouth to speak, a question on my lips, "What didn't you noticed?" Rebecca smiled, but it wasn't a happy smile, it was a tired smile. She'd know this question had been coming.
"Dad became an alcoholic. He was suffering from too much stress and depression. So much happened to him, the only way he could deal with it drinking. To his credit, he hid it well. He was ashamed and didn't want me to find out. And I don't blame him. It was in no way his fault what had happened to him. He'd been deserted by his wife, his love, and left with nothing, no money, no security, nothing but two needy children to provide for. I agree it was a horrible way to cope, but honestly what else could he do?" I wondered silently if that was how Mama felt about me and Dad. Did she just see me as something she had to provide for? Had she loved Dad? Had he broken her heart?
"So he began to drink more and more. He neglected his work and his family. We got to a place where we had no food, no heat, no electricity, nothing, we were broke, out of money. That was whe the CSS stepped in. They came one day in the middle of January. We had no heat and were wearing our warmest snow clothes to keep warm. They took Josh and I to a foster center nearby, not nearly as nice as this one." Rebecca paused for the briefest of moments, "Dad didn't come with us, he, he, he went to-" Rebekah stopped suddenly. I could see her eyes had tears in them. "Rebecca, please, you don't have to continue. I understand. I'm already so grateful to you for trusting me enough to tell me this much of your story." I was begging. I hated to see anyone upset. I took her hands in mine. We three sat in silence for several minutes, the only sound was Rebecca's muffled sniffles. I felt so much for Rebecca. I couldn't imagine all the things she'd been through. It wasn't fair what had happened to her. She didn't deserve it. Rebecca is so sweet and so kind. She is going to grow up and be an amazing author. How could someone this incredible have been treated and deserted so awfully? I was pulled out of my thoughts when Rebecca sniffled loudly and cleared for throat. I could tell she was prepared to continue. I began to protest, but she put up a weak hand up to stop me. "Please Anna, I want to." I sighed, giving in. A single tear escaped Rebecca, but she quickly brushed it away, and with a shaky voice, she continued, "So for the next couple months we stayed at the foster center. I barely got to see Josh because he was always being tended to by a social worker. I had also just started school again and it wasn't easy. Because I'd missed so many months I'd fallen extremely behind. I was so sad and so lost during that period. No friends. No family. No real home. After quite a few months at the centre I saw my Dad for the first time. I can remember feeling overwhelmed with excitement to see him, but that feeling was drained from me the instant I saw him. He looked, to say it nicely, awful. His face was ripped of colour and they were huge blue bags resting under his eyes. He'd kneeled down and spread his arms wide open when I entered the room. I remember rushing to him as fast as I could. We held each other for so long, both of us sobbing. That was the last time I saw him. It's still hard seven years later because I love dad so much and I know he loves me too. I hope someday I'll get to see him again." She paused for a minute, and I tightened my grip on her hand in a comforting gesture, "The last I heard about him was when I came here, when I was ten years old. It was from Lauren. She'd sat me down in her office and told me he was in a facility for people like him. At the time I didn't understand what that meant. It was only until a couple years ago that I understood where he really was. An alcoholic rehab center." She paused staring off into space. I couldn't imagine what was playing in her head. I knew I shouldn't have bothered her, but there'd been a question burning on my mind ever since Rebekah had started talking. Curiosity got the better of me and I blurted it out,"I'm sorry for asking this if it isn't my business, but I was wondering, I haven't seen your brother around. Is he here?" Rebecca's head slowly turned to mine from the window she'd been gazing out of. I could tell she was close to tears again. Guilt pulsed through my veins. I hadn't meant to upset her again."Oh, I'm so sorry Rebekah, I shouldn't have brought it up. Please, don't be upset. I'm so sorry. Can you forgive me?" I paused, unsure of what more to say. After several more seconds of silence, I managed to mumble another quiet apology, hoping she wouldn't be mad at me. Rebecca sniffles filled the silence of the room for a couple moments. I could tell she was again going to try to continue, but I knew I couldn't stop her. Meredith and I glanced at each other, worried. Rebecca sighed and she began, "It's alright Anna, I know you're just curious. It just still hurts to this day." She stopped again, searching the ceiling for where to begin, "Well, on one of the many check-ups we have at the foster center," Then she paused and a question appeared on her face, "Have you had yours yet?" I shook my head. "Oh, well, don't worry, they aren't bad at all. We just get check-ups to make sure we're staying healthy every once in a while."
The worried part of me turned on. I know this isn't good, but I have, never to my knowledge, had a check-up, even as a baby. Mama never thought it was important, and besides, she never had the money for it either. The idea made small butterflies appear my stomach, what was a check-up like?
"Anyways, it was on one of these check-ups that, quite honestly, my brother's life changed forever. He was in the room and I'd been asked to wait outside. I remember the appointment lasting much longer than any others." She paused almost briefly, and I could tell whatever she was about to say wasn't good. I braced myself. "When they finally came out, the doctor escorted me to another room. Josh had cancer. He was less than three years old. They told me they'd run only a few tests, but it was enough to know."