I Wanna Love You Forever

CHAPTER 20: Sirens

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SIRENS

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Every written word started attacking, penetrating through the walls of my heavily guarded heart.

I don’t know what happened, Yuko. But I know one of these days I’ll figure it out. I don’t want you to ask about it, because even thinking that we’re over is more than hard for me. You are my first, and the very first person to make me feel all those foreign blissful feelings. So I figured that if I’d come to encounter another set of unknown emotions, it would also be because of you. It’s just that, I never thought it would be this soon. It’s so soon Yuko… I’m not prepared. I still don’t know how to handle this kind of pain. It feels like I’m going crazy. Everywhere I look, I see your face. I can feel your touch and your breath even when I’m all alone. Your voice even echo in my head no matter what song I immerse myself into. Every song that plays reminds me of you. Deep inside me, I know I want to see you, to be with you, to be there for you. For the first time in my life, I realized something I really wanted. It’s you. But…

I can only keep reading as I try to contain the unbearable feeling of guilt. I know what I’m doing isn’t right but I want to know what happened, how she felt, what she’s feeling.

I hate you! I hate you! I wish I could really hate you! Why is that no matter how I try to forget these feelings for you, at the end of the day I still find myself crying over us, crying over you. I never wanted this! All I wanted is to be happy, to be able to feel you with me every day. I didn’t ask for this fucking feeling~ I don’t want this! Maybe if I could hate you, all this miserable feeling of longing would be gone. I don’t know what to do with what I feel anymore! Should I tell you how I feel? Should I tell you that I want you back? Should I tell you that you’re making me feel miserable? Should I tell you to just go away? But I love you… I know I love you… I know I want you… I want you more than anything, anyone in this world right now. Yuko… Yuko… Please~ tell me what to do… tell me what you want me to do…

All along I thought what happened to us doesn’t really matter. Since the day I quit, she never made me feel any feeling of hate. Whenever I’m with her, she’d give me a gentle smile with a contented look on her face. I didn’t know. I have no idea.

I think I’m going crazy. Or maybe I already am. Sometimes I wanna slap you for making me feel uneasy. It feels so heavy that I come to my senses imagining strangling you until you scream for forgiveness and confess that you were wrong for hurting me. I just can’t relax. Every minute, I still check my phone that maybe you remembered me and sent an out of the blue message. Sometimes I see myself staring at my bed, imagining you’re there sleeping soundly like a child. I wanna be with you badly that I can’t last a day not imagining you here with me. I hate myself for that! And I hated you for making me feel like that! There are times I wonder if you really do care about me. I wanna test it to the point that I tire myself out at the gym thinking that maybe if I don’t wake up the next day, you’d start looking for me. That maybe if I don’t reply on your messages, you’d worry and rush back at me. I often think of what would you feel if I die today, imagining myself at the hospital with a machine to support my life. Will you be crying for me? Or it wouldn’t matter to you? Yuko… I’m starting to get mad. I feel restless. I feel betrayed. I feel like I’m drowning. I want to kill… or be killed. I want to escape. I want to be free. I don’t know. I’m confused. Somebody… help me.