I'm sick of people asking me why I cut!
For starters it's none of your business and secondly why so you care? When you're mainly the ones who degrade me, bully me day in and day out.
You know why people cut?
Because it's a distraction, for one moment you don't feel any pain, the loss, the hurt. All you feel is the razor going into your skin, the blood dripping down your arm, leg, stomach. You don't think about how alone you are or how fat and ugly you are. You don't think about the way people talk about you behind your back. You don't think about how your family is fighting or your friends hate you. All you think about is the blood. And the addicting part? Well that's when the hurt and pain comes back. When the cut isn't fresh and you can feel all the build-up of sadness and loneliness inside you. So you have to do it again, but a little bit deeper so the numbness will last longer. And as the pain inside gets worse and worse you have to make the pain outside worse it's all about control. You have it. You can't control the pain on the inside so you get to control it on the outside.
"Describe what it's like they ask"
Well, go to the beach, and walk in the water, blindfolded. You just keep walking. You don't know where you're going. You just know you're going deeper. That's what the build-up of cutting feels like. You don't know where you're going. Depression has blinded you. All you know is you're going deeper and deeper. Now just keep going until you drown. You want air, you want relief you don't want to be drowning anymore. Now imagine the relief when someone pulls you out of the water. That's what cutting is. Relief. Relief from all the pain you've been drowning in. Relief from not feeling good enough. Relief from the bullies at school. Relief from feeling like you're fat. Relief from your imperfections and insecurities. You might find cutting discussing and you might never understand it but when you're drowning, you need saving right? You need relief. So what is cutting like? Relief!
