forget me (e.dolan) [discontinued]

ten

November 8, 2016

Sometimes I just feel like nothing. Like, literally nothing. Less than a speck of dirt.

One of my weird blackouts happened again today, and of course it had to happen at school... WHILE the teacher was talking to me.

We were talking about some literary shit used in Shakespeare, and Ms. Norlin asked me a question about a quote from one of his plays, Hamlet (don't ask what the quote was, it's long forgotten by now).

Anyway, we began to get into a discussion about said quote, and I wouldn't have thought anything was different if it wasn't for the fact that I blinked in the middle of my sentence and suddenly everyone was staring at me. Some kids were out of their seats, some looked concerned and some just looked freaked out. Ms. Norlin was right in front of me, kind of like Grayson was the first time it happened, and she was asking if I was okay with a hand rested gently on my shoulder. I was confused and I was embarrassed, and I already knew that I'd had another "episode" without realizing it. But of course, my bad luck didn't end there. Josh just had to be in my English class with me, and he sure as hell noticed too.

"Ethan Dolan is back at it again with his weird shit," he laughed from the back row. A bunch of his friends joined in, of course. "What just happened Ethan? Are you really that big of a freak show or did you listen to yourself talking and realize how much of a loser you sound like?" I buried my head in my hands and just said nothing.

"Dude, apparently this happens to him all the time, it's fucking weird," someone else, I think Thomas, said back. I had no idea how he knew about my episodes, mostly because it's hard sometimes to notice that they've happened at all without someone telling me. Either way, everyone started to pitch in laughing, all the kids who literally just looked worried about me suddenly enjoying my misery at what just happened. Ms. Norlin tried to butt in and help me, but that just made things worse.

All I could think about was getting out of that class so that I could go see Peyton. She's the only one that makes me feel normal in this damn school. I mean, of course Grayson does too, but whenever Josh sees me and Grayson hanging out alone, he jokes that we're each other's "only friends" and "probably even a little more than that, because who knows what the fuck goes on in our creepy heads". It's disgusting, and it has ended up with me and Grayson being a little bit more distant when we're at school.

Anyway, I guess I'm just kind of rambling now because I don't know what else to do. I know I should probably let my parents know about these weird black outs because they've been happening for years now, but I just can't bring myself to tell them so that they can think I'm a freak, too. So far, I've managed to avoid having them when Mom and Dad are around, and I'd like to keep it that way.

It's just..... I don't know...

What's wrong with me?

Am I really a freak? Am I not as nice as I like to think I am? Am I just horribly ugly? Why does Josh hate me?

Why does everyone in the school hate me, or Grayson? I don't bother people, and neither does he. We just do our best, we try to stay to ourselves but still be polite. We play on the lacrosse team and we're good, or at least I think we are. So why is everyone on the lacrosse team friends with each other, and not us? Why don't we get invited to the team parties?

I better stop this entry before my thoughts derail anymore. I just want this feeling to end.